Foob Babe's Cancer Journey

My Cancer Story

2011-05-25T06:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I started to put together my cancer story. I'm taking the blog posts I wrote here, adding whatever I missed, and putting them into a book. It's been quite awhile since I read the posts, and it was tough - reliving what happened almost 3 years ago. I'm glad that I wrote about my cancer journey. There are several things I didn't write about, and now I wish I would have. Over time, things fade, and it's hard to remember what happened. In a way, I think that's good - but I really don't want to forget it all, because I learned so many things during those 2 years.

I made it from July 2008 through to June 2009 yesterday. As soon as I'm done with the blog posts, I'll add pictures, and then it will be done. I'm toying with the idea of making comments throughout the book - from my point of view now.

Although it's tough to write my cancer story, it's important. Writing everything down is so therapeutic.

“Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition.” --Graham Greene

NEW Breast Cancer Support Group in Utah County... Sister Survivors

2010-07-03T08:31:00.001-07:00

For anyone who still reads this blog (sorry about the lack of posting), here is the new blog for our breast cancer support group... Sister Survivors (it's what I've been working on instead of this blog):

SisterSurvivors

That blog is updated daily - Monday through Saturday. Here is the schedule...

Monday Memoirs - writing through cancer is very therapeutic. Each Monday we'll post a question for you to think and write about. So, grab a beautiful journal and a pretty pen, and let your thoughts spill out.

Tuesday Tidings - we all want to know the "latest" news on the breast cancer front. On Tuesdays, we'll post something about research and development, or things you can do to stay healthy, or even just suggestions for getting through treatment.

Wordless Wednesday - the posts on Wednesdays will be photos. What inspires you? A cancer patient's smile, a beautiful summer morning, a new nail polish color? We'll find a picture of something beautiful to look at, and give you a treat every Wednesday morning. Want to add to the fun? Email a photo to us at sistersurvivors@gmail.com

Thursday Thoughts - This will be a day for sharing our thoughts about cancer, strength, faith, sisterhood... anything that gets us thinking and will help others. We'd love to hear your thoughts about the post, so speak up in the comments section.

Friday Fare - This is our healthy recipe day - guest blogger, Shannon Stahura, will share a yummy recipe with us each week. Shannon does a lot of research to find the best, most healthy foods to use in these recipes.

Saturday Strength - Physical exercise is so important in reaching and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Exercise is also important in healing. Look for an exercise tip here each Saturday.

It is my hope that this blog will become a place where breast cancer survivors can come together, learn things, and discuss things. I'm hoping to figure out how to put a discussion feature on the blog soon.

The new survivor group is going well, I think. We've had two meetings so far. We've had about 31 survivors show up to these meetings. After all the hard work we've done to get this up and running, it's nice to see that it will be of some benefit to others. I love the other two survivors on the board - Bethanie Newby and Colette Harris. I hope you'll take a minute to visit the group's blog.

Have a great day.

New Breast Cancer Support Group BLOG - A Test

2010-04-01T05:53:00.000-07:00

I've done a TEST blog for our new breast cancer support group. I'm using the name "The Beauty Remains" for right now, until we come up with a name.

Take a look at the blog, and leave a comment - tell me what you like, what you don't like, If there is something that is missing that you think needs to be there, let me know.

http://beautyremainsbreastcancergroup.blogspot.com

Thanks, and enjoy!

The Beauty Remains

2010-03-25T07:05:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking about a name for our new breast cancer support group. Maybe we can use the name I used for my group that walked in the cancer walk last August. I fell in love with this quote by Anne Frank, and used part of it for our name. The name was "The Beauty Remains". Here is Anne Frank's quote:

"I don't think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains."

A few other quotes that use this same idea:

"...when the darkness sets in... true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

"The pain passes, but the beauty remains." -Pierre-Auguste Renoir

The more I think about it, the more I love this name. Wonder what everyone else will think? Here is the picture of the poster I made for our walk...

New Breast Cancer Support Group

2010-03-25T06:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to the first meeting of a breast cancer support group that my plastic surgeon is forming. It was a nice surprise to meet another BC survivor - Collette. I talked to her before her reconstruction a few week ago. I didn't know she was going to be there, and so it was fun to meet her. She looks great. I remember seeing another patient in Dr. B's office after her reconstruction (before mine), and I couldn't believe how well she was doing just 5 days after the surgery. Really, you wouldn't think that you'd feel ok that soon after having your chest cut open, but compared to the mastectomy, the reconstruction wasn't that bad.

Anyway, I digress. We talked about what name we wanted for the group, what our goals are going to be, where we can meet, how to get everything done, etc. It was so exciting. I've been looking for a way to "give back" to those who helped me, and to make a difference and help other women going through breast cancer. This is it! When I told Rick about it, he wasn't quite as excited as me - he knows how busy I am, and doesn't think I can add anything else to my schedule. But, it will be ok. This is important to me. After I told him everything we had discussed at the meeting, he seemed happy that I had found what I've been looking for.

I'm especially excited about the mentoring program we talked about, and the blog we are planning. That's what I'd love to work on.

As soon as everything is set up, I'll let you know. It's mostly for women here in Utah County, but the blog/website will be for anyone. If you have any suggestions for information to put on the blog, let me know.

Stitches Out

2010-03-02T20:37:00.000-08:00

Today I got my stitches out. There was an atmosphere of partying when this happened - granted, it was caused by me and my sister... but, the women in the office were happy for me. I think the re-placement of the left nipple was the right thing to do. It looks much better and is in the correct place now. Now I don't have to worry about not wearing a bra this summer - if I don't, it won't look funny.

Last thing on the agenda... in about 6 weeks, I'll have the tattooing done. I'm planning on bringing my sis, mom, and some friends (LoriAnne, and possibly Leslie). We are going to have a party while I'm being tattooed!

The end is in site!

One last little surgery

2010-02-21T18:05:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I'll be at my plastic surgeon's office to do one last small little surgery. I've felt for some time, that the nipple that was reconstructed on the left breast was in the wrong place. Really, it is in the center of the breast, but that breast is shifted a little bit to the left, so it looks off center when I look straight at it. My doctor wants me to be happy with how I look, so he is going to try to move the left reconstructed nipple about 1/2 inch toward the middle of my chest. He has to be careful to not cut over the top because that's where the blood supply is. He's just going to cut around it, and then shift it over a little bit. It shouldn't hurt, because I'm pretty much numb through that area. As soon as I'm healed - about 6 weeks from now - I'll finally be having the tattooing. Then I'll be done.

I'm happy that it's almost completely over.

Fickle Feelings

2010-02-17T06:07:00.000-08:00

There are mornings, like this morning, when I get out of bed and just HATE my new boobs - they are big and heavy and ugly. And then, there are days when I stand in front of the mirror and MARVEL (and feel very thankful) at the talent and abilities of my plastic surgeon. That I even HAVE boobs is a. maze. ing. Can you say "Fickle"?! I knew ya could.

3-Month Checkup

2010-02-09T22:20:00.000-08:00

Today I had my 3-month check up.

My vitals: Blood pressure was 122/82, heartrate was 78, and o2 saturation was 98.
Doc asked me how I felt - if I was finally getting over my year with chemo. I told him that around the middle of December, I started feeling so much better. Sure, I still get really tired, but I'm able to do SO much more than I have for the last year and a half. No unexplained aches or pains in weird places. No swelling at the ankles. He was happy that I'm on a regular schedule to see the skin doctor. Doc didn't like the look of several moles last time he saw me, and ordered me to the skin doctor, who promptly took off 4 moles. Ouch! They came back just fine. This Thursday I'll be getting several more taken off. By the time she's done with me, I'm going to be polka-dotted with scars. *sigh*

Doc said I'm really healthy, and everything looks good. He said that in a year, he'll have me get a bone density scan. No more bone scans unless something is weird. But, today he had me stop by the imaging office and have a chest scan. So, I'll get those results in a few days.

Otherwise, everything seems normal and good. Oh, and from now on, I'll be seeing the nurse practitioner instead of the oncologist, every 3 months. That seems like a good sign to me. :-)

Packing Up

2010-01-27T20:16:00.001-08:00

Today was a good day. I decided that my bedroom needed to be de-junked. I finally packed all of my scarves and hats into a box, closed it, and taped it shut!!!!

I have had my beautiful wig on one of those Styrofoam heads, sitting on my dresser for the last year and a half. I finally put it back in the box it came in, and both boxes are now on the top shelf of my closet.

That's a little bit of closure, right? I'm slowly putting my "cancer life" away, and taking out my "normal life".

Feels good!

Did That All Really Happen?

2010-01-19T07:40:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while I wake up in the morning and think about everything that has happened to me, and I just can't wrap my head around it. I just can't believe that words and experiences like chemo, mastectomy, surgeries, etc. are part of me.

Does that ever happen to you?

Don't Ask Me to Get On With My Life...

2010-01-12T11:26:00.000-08:00

I've been reading through a really good book, called "After Breast Cancer" by Musa Mayer, and I think I've decided to continue posting here on my cancer blog. I know in my last post I said I was finished - on to a different blog about getting healthy - but, as I read through this, I realized that I'm no where near done, and there are quite a few things I can post about.

I've been trying to come to grips with my body lately. I wasn't skinny before my diagnosis, but I felt pretty healthy. In the last year and a half, I've lost that healthy feeling. I'm always tired, I hurt everywhere, I'm gaining weight like crazy - it's very frustrating. WHY am I gaining weight? And why, every time I try to exercise, do I seem to hurt something? Am I the only one this is happening to? Of course I'm not. I think that every survivor realizes the toll that a cancer diagnosis takes on a body.

As I read through the section called "What We've Lost", I could really identify with what was written there. Yes, I am a strong person, and I made it through a horrible, awful, ordeal. And, yes, I do feel strong and amazing. BUT, the losses I feel in regards to breast cancer are still very real. Like the books says... I suffer physically. My body has been so weakened by the 7 surgeries I've had, not to mention the 5 months of chemotherapy, and the year of other drugs. And, something occurred to me as I read - I have what the book calls "chemopause". I'm 43 years old, and the chemo has thrown me, prematurely, into menopause. There have got to be some crazy side effects from that. Maybe even weight gain?

Some of the things listed in the book, besides chemopause:
Sense of having been mutilated by surgery - Check
A feeling that my body has betrayed me - check
Feeling aged in other ways - check
Suffer blows to my self-esteem and sense of attractiveness, libido, sexuality, and sexual appeal - check
significant weight gain - check
hot-flashes, depression, anxiety, aching - check

Like the woman in the book, I too feel like I'm "damaged goods". I know this is going to take awhile to work through, but it's helpful to know that I'm not the only one going through this. What I'm beginning to realize is that I cannot ignore all of this - it must be acknowledged, or I won't be able to heal properly. I had cancer. I'm different than I was 1 1/2 years ago. I am capable of healing, and becoming even better. Just don't ask me to forget what happened to me. Don't expect me to "get over it", or "get on with my life". It's not as easy as it sounds. Breast cancer is part of me now. I am Breast Cancer. But, I'm also a Survivor.

I'm going to do some research on "chemopause". Knowledge is power!

Good Bye to Breast Cancer - Hello to Good Health

2009-12-30T20:29:00.001-08:00

I've made a hard decision. I've decided to finish with this blog, and then stop posting. I've got a few more posts to do to finish up filling in the blanks (the time between my diagnosis and starting the blog), and then I think I'm done. This has been a hard decision for me - this blog has helped me through a very difficult time in my life. But, I really feel like I need to move on. I'm through with treatments, I'm through with surgeries. I'm through. And, I need to get into shape, and get healthy again. My body has been through such a lot, and I've gained weight, and I feel awful. But, I know that if I can start exercising, gain some muscle, lose some weight, and start feeling healthy, I can put this whole thing behind me.

I still want to support those who are going through breast cancer right now. I won't shut the blog down - there's some stuff here that will hopefully help someone - but I just won't really be posting new stuff. Right now I'm juggling about 6 blogs, and I need to cut back.

My cancer journey is over - my journey to good health is just beginning. It's a daunting task, but I know I can do it. I've started a new blog to track my journey back to good health - http://ourroadtohealthy.blogspot.com/
I'd love to have you visit. If you are embarking on the same journey as me right now, you can become a contributor on that blog. Just contact me and let me know. (nafari01@yahoo.com)

I hope that this blog has helped someone out there. Breast cancer is a monster that no one should have to deal with. Good luck, and take care.

Here's My Port

2009-11-19T09:48:00.001-08:00

Last week I had my last surgery on my reconstructed chest. I also had my port taken out. When I talked to the nurse about taking the port out, I asked him if I could keep it and take it home. He looked at me like I was crazy, and then said, "I guess, if you want to you can." I told him I wanted to photograph it and blog about it and he just laughed! So, they cleaned it all up, put it in a cup with alcohol, and sent it home. I forgot about it for about a week, then asked Rick where is was - it was still in the cup. When I opened lid, the smell of alcohol just about sent me over the edge - that smell has way too many memories for me! Anyway, I here are the pictures of the port if you are interested in what it is. It's metal, so a little bit heavy. They sew it to a muscle and then, because it stays in there so long (in my case, over a year), stuff grows around it. I couldn't figure out why it hurt so bad after the port was taken out. It still is very sore. My doctor told me how he had to basically dig it out. Ouch!! No wonder it's sore.

I think it's funny how it's shaped like a heart. It's all metal except that little circle in the middle. That's where the nurse would stick the needle to give me chemo, take my blood, give me other medicines, or access for an IV for surgery.

See those 3 little nobs on the top? The nurse would feel through my skin for those three little nobs, and then, when she found them, she'd stick the needle in the middle. You'd think it would be easy, but it's pretty tough to find those sometimes.

It's not very big, right? I was so happy that I had a port. Because I had lymph nodes taken from my left side, there can be no sticks on that arm. So, they had to use either a port, or my right arm. For some unknown reason, the veins in my right arm SUCK! No one can find them. It took them 8 tries - 8 TRIES - to find a vein for my mastectomy surgery (before I had a port). They finally, after torturing me by jabbing a huge needle into my arm, hand, wrist, etc., decided to put me to sleep before they finally put an IV in. From then on, I was able to have my port accessed for any surgeries or tests I had to have.

NEW GOVERNMENT GUIDELINES ON BREAST HEALTH - WHAT A JOKE...

2009-11-17T07:39:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, this isn't a joke - it's real...

I am FURIOUS!!! I just watched a report on Fox news this morning about the "new government taskforce guidelines" for breast care. Here are the new guidelines:

1. Mammograms are NOT needed for healthy 40-49 year olds of average risk.
2. Women, ages 50-74, should get screened every 2 years, not annually.
3. Mammograms NOT needed for women ages 75 and up
4. Doctors should no longer teach breast self-exam

Can you believe this? Here is what the report said.

Alisyn, the reporter, interviewed Dr. Cynara Coomer, a surgeon and Professor of Cancer Surgery at Mt. Sinai. Dr. Coomer called this "a step backward". She said it was "very coincidental timing" and "motivation is about saving costs as opposed to worrying about over-diagnosing/treating women." She continued, "...shouldn't be worrying about saving money at the expense of women." She said that 40% of her practice is women under 50.

A few of the things they discussed...

Less testing translates to less treatment = some cancers will streak by.
For every 7-10 women who are being over-treated (mammograms), we are saving 1 woman's life - that's worth it. (I personally think it's worth it - what about you?)
Women who have breast cancer under the age of 50 tend to have much more aggressive tumors - the years are going to make a difference for these women.

Dr. Coomer said "This is rationing, and we need to be very concerned about it." "The 'Public Option' [in the new healthcare plan] will be using these federal guidelines as opposed to using the guidelines from the American Cancer Society. The American Cancer Society in not going along with these guidelines, and we can only hope that the private insurance companies don't follow suit."

Wow. I immediately emailed the newsroom - I want my voice heard. I don't know that my emailing Alisyn will make any difference at all, but I CANNOT be silent on this matter. Here is my email to Fox:

"Alisyn -

I just watched your report on the new government guidelines on breast cancer screening and I am FURIOUS!
I cannot believe that the guidelines that have been set by the American Cancer Society are being challenged - who better to set guidelines like these - the cancer society or government bureaucrats who know nothing about cancer?! These new guidelines are a joke -
NO mammograms needed for ages 40-49?! So, the women who are in their 40s don't really need screening, even though 100s of 1000s of women in that ages group are diagnosed every year?!
Mammograms for ages 50-74 only EVERY OTHER year?! Personally, 1 year for my cancer is a big deal, since mine was a fast growing cancer.
Mammograms NOT NEEDED for women over age 74 - ok. What?! So, only women between 50 and 74 even matter to the government?!
This one really confuses me: doctors should no longer teach breast self-exam? I don't understand - why? Maybe because during your self exam you might find something and then have to get a mammogram? Whatever. What they should really say is only women between the ages of 50 and 74 should do self exams - we don't want anyone else - younger or older women - finding anything that will make it so that we have to take care of them.

I'm 43 years old. The ONLY way my aggresive breast cancer was found was through a mammogram. If they wouldn't have found it last year, I've been assured that by the time I could actually feel the tumors, it would have been about 4-5 years later, and I would have been so far advanced, they wouldn't have been able to save me. And according to these guidelines, I shouldn't even do self exams, so if I followed those guidelines, I wouldn't have found the lumps - I just would have died.

My mammogram - that I got at age 42 - saved my life. SAVED MY LIFE - a life that, according to the government, doesn't really matter. I was low risk - I had no risk factors.

HOW DARE THEY?! How dare they make a decision like this that will affect so many womens' lives. I'm willing to bet that not one of the people on that task force has ever been touched by breast cancer, because if anyone had, they would be fighting like crazy to keep the American Cancer Society's guidelines. And when I say 'touched by breast cancer', I don't mean just women who have had it, I'm talking about their families and friends. They are changing not only the lives of 1000s of women, but their families' lives as well - my breast cancer had an impact on me, my husband, my 4 sons, my parents, my sister, my boss, my friends, my neighbors, etc.

Anyone who has even one active brain cell in their head should FIGHT LIKE HELL to get this changed. They should fight like hell to oppose the government health care plan too - this is only the first of many terrible things that will happen if we let this plan take hold."

I really hope that anyone who reads this post will forward the information on to all of the women they know - and try to get the word out about this.

LET YOUR VOICES BE HEARD - DO NOT SIT BY SILENTLY AND LET THE GOVERNMENT GAIN CONTROL OVER AN IMPORTANT ISSUE LIKE THIS.

Last Reconstructive Surgery

2009-11-11T06:41:00.001-08:00

Today is the 2nd day of my recovery from my last surgery. This time we just tried to fix the look of the reconstruction. The right side was more rounded on top and a little higher, so the left side needed to be lifted a little bit. The doctor cut open the breast and took the implant out - then he sutured the muscle underneath, which lifted the breast - then he put the implant back in. I can tell that the top is rounded now - like the right side. The only thing that doesn't look great is that the nipple is now much more lopsided that before. I was hoping that by lifting the breast, the nipples would match up, but it doesn't look like that happened. Bummer. Plus, the suture line is really deep - so it looks kind of weird. I know I shouldn't judge for a long time - there's swelling and the breast will relax at some point, so I need to just mellow out for awhile. The doctor also took my port out (right side, above the breast). I'm really happy about that, but the pain is super bad right now. I don't know why it's hurting so much. In fact, both surgery sites are killing me. I'm sure it will gradually get feeling better, but right now it's awful. I'm taking Percocet - which does help with the pain, but makes me itch all over.

I'm glad it's over - I'm ready to be done with this whole thing. Even if the breasts don't look exactly like I want them to, I'm done. I just have to have the tattooing done. I'm hoping that everything will be over by the end of the year.

Gotta go lie down now...

A New Group of Women...

2009-11-06T23:58:00.000-08:00

Last Tuesday I went to the support group at the cancer center for the first time. I'm not sure why I haven't taken advantage of this before now. It's weird, really, that I've waited until right after my last treatment to start going. Hmmm. Well, I had a good time, met lots of wonderful women who are in all stages of their cancer journeys - from diagnosis to several year survivors. In a way it was hard, because it's always hard to hear about other people who have been touched by this terrible disease. Especially those who are on their second round with cancer. This is a scary thing to me. I don't ever want to have to do this whole thing again - and yet, that thought is always in the back of my mind.

One of the women in the group brought a gift for everyone. Her dentist bought, and had sent to her, several copies of a book she read in his office. I wish I had my copy here with me (I'm on vacation and the book is at home) - it's an inspirational book with lots of wonderful pictures, stories, and quotes. It was a beautiful gesture - this giving of something that touched her. I'm so glad I got a copy. I plan on sharing things from the book with you, my dear followers of this blog.

Shelly - the social worker at the cancer center - is the one who hosts this support group, and I'm really glad I met her. Early on in my chemo, she introduced herself to me and encouraged me to write about my cancer journey. It was about 2 week later that I started this blog. It has been a wonderful, therapeutic thing - writing.

I'm really glad I met all of these wonderful women. I pray that God will bless every one of them in their struggles to overcome the beast.

Celebration Time...

2009-11-04T16:10:00.000-08:00

Today was my LAST treatment at the cancer center. I finished chemo in February, but have had to keep going back every three weeks since then to get treatments of Herceptin. After having my blood work done, and everything measured... weight, blood pressure, etc.... my doctor came in the room with a big grin on his face. He was so excited that this was the end. He examined me, and asked if there had been any changes in the last 3 months since I'd seen him. I told him that my back has been hurting - same place every time - and it was bothering me and had me worried. He ordered a bone scan to check things out. I'll have that in a few weeks. He also said that I needed to go see a skin doctor, because several moles on my back have him concerned. So we set up both of those appointments.

I went into the chemo room, and the nurses hooked up the Herceptin drip to my IV. It took about an hour. I looked up and watched as the IV drip slowed down and then as the last drop fell. I just started bawling - I was very emotional for some reason. Then, tears were streaming as the nurse Maryann, pulled my IV out of my chest for the last time. I just can't describe the feelings that I had. It was such a sense of accomplishment, and relief. And I'm kind of sad to not be a regular and see all those wonderful nurses, but I'll live without it.

It's such an incredible day! I wanted to celebrate, but there was no one to celebrate with, so I took myself out to lunch at the Paradise Cafe - I had a yummy veggie salad, with cranberries and feta cheese.

I've been waiting to say this for 15 months...
I KICKED CANCER'S BUTT! BOOYA!

Life is sweet! :-)

Happy Halloween...

2009-10-31T09:45:00.002-07:00

Happy Halloween!!

Last year my halloween wasn't very happy. This is how I looked on Halloween - 2 weeks after my bi-lateral mastectomy...

This is how I felt...

(picture courtesy of my son, Michael)

This year I'm feeling much better, and just really happy to be alive!!!!

Check out my other blog this week - featuring breast cancer survivors

2009-10-24T07:10:00.000-07:00

Just a reminder that this week, on my other blog - Incredible Women (click here to visit)- we have been celebrating PINK week. This last week, in honor of October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I've interviewed several cancer survivors and some of the nurses from the chemo unit who took care of me. Head over there are check out their interviews...

The interviews are inspiring - I love these women!

Cancer SUCKS!

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY - My Family at the Cancer Walk

2009-10-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

Check out my other blog this week - featuring breast cancer survivors

2009-10-19T20:05:00.000-07:00

Check out my blog, INCREDIBLE WOMEN, this week - we've gone PINK for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I'm featuring many of the nurses who helped me in the chemo unit during my treatments, and I'm also featuring many breast cancer survivors.

Self Exam

2009-10-15T20:11:00.000-07:00

Today's the day to do your breast self exam!

Get into the habit once a month. It could save your life!

Breast cancer sucks. You DON'T want to find out how much.

1 year Anniversay of Bilateral Mastectomy

2009-10-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I've kind of been waiting to write this post for awhile. Today is the one year anniversary of my bilateral mastectomy. I can't really believe it's been a whole year. That seems hard to fathom. I've never written about my mastectomy - it's just not something I could write about. But, now I think I should. I've forgotten some of it - maybe because I haven't written about it for a year, or maybe because my mind just doesn't want to deal with remembering the worst day of my life. I asked Rick to help me remember what happened, but he says he doesn't remember much - which is weird, because he never forgets anything. Hmmmm. Maybe it was his worst day, too. Here's what I do remember...

Rick and I went to the hospital around 9:00 am. After I checked in, Rick and I sat in the waiting room. Rick was holding on tight to my arm. I asked him why. He said that he was afraid that if he didn't hold on to me, I'd run out the exit. Which was probably true. He asked if I had my red lipstick. (I had just finished reading "Why I Wore Lipstick To My Mastectomy" and she had worn red lipstick for hers). I was sad because I only had pink lipstick. I remember that they were behind for some reason that morning, and things were delayed for awhile. Nothing like dragging it out, huh? The nurse took me back and told me to undress and put a hospital gown on. I do remember how I felt as I took off my bra for the last time. I swallowed a big lump in my throat, and thought, "This is the last time I'm going to wear a bra." After I was settled in the pre-op waiting area, my parents came in to visit me. I took one look at them and started crying. I remember my dad hugging me and telling me that he was so sorry. We talked for awhile. Then, they went out to the waiting room, and Rick and I were alone. I wrote in my journal for awhile. It was my first entry in that journal. I think I'll share here what I wrote:

"I have cancer. I was diagnosed two months ago - August 20, 2008. I haven't wanted to write it down. I've been in kind of a denial, but as of today, there will be no more denials. In 1/2 hour, I'm having a bilateral mastectomy. Yep, they are cutting off both breasts. It's been a tough decision - one I had to make myself. No doctor wanted to be the one to say, "Yes, we have to do it." Right now I just want to write down how I feel about this. I'm so scared. I'm scared to go to sleep. I'm scared to wake up. I'm scared of what I'll look like. I'm scared they'll make me go home too soon. I'm scared to take care of the drains. I'm scared of starting chemo. I'm scared of the chemo cocktail and what it will do to me. I'm scared of losing my hair. I'm scared of the IV they are trying to put in right now - they can't find a vein. This is going to hurt. I just took my bra off for the last time. Because I'll have expanders inside and no nipples, I won't need to wear one. I'm so scared."

So, that's what I wrote about 1/2 before I went in for surgery. And no, they couldn't find a vein. They tried quite a few times, and I was so upset, that they finally said they would put me to sleep in the operating room before they put an IV in. Surgery time came and Rick gave me a hug. They wheeled me back, and the closer I got to the surgery room, the more I started to panic. It felt like I couldn't breathe. We entered the room, and people were all around me. They said they would put a mask over my face and I'd go to sleep. I saw them playing around with the mask, and I just started to cry, uncontrollably. I couldn't breath, and I was trying to get off of the table. I felt like running away as fast as I could. Who the hell cares about the cancer. I CANNOT do this. The nurse grabbed me and helped me lie back down. I must have look very frightened, because she asked me what was wrong. ??!!!! Um, I'm getting my chest cut off! What do you mean, what's wrong?! I told her I was scared. She asked me if I was scared of going to sleep, and I said, "No, I'm scared of waking up." She put her arms around me and gave me a hug, the mask went on my face, and that's the last thing I remember. My parents told me that it took about 4-5 hours. I do know that two doctors operated on me that day - first the surgeon removed all of the breast tissue. And then, the plastic surgeon put expanders in and closed the wounds. I don't remember much about when I woke up. I guess my parents came in to see me, but I don't remember that. I was pretty drugged up and the pain was awful. I had drains in and a pain pump with morphine. My kids came to see me and I'm sure others did too, but everything is a blur. All I can remember for the first couple of days, is pain. I ended up staying in the hospital for 5 days. The pain was bad, and I was draining tons of fluid. I remember how awful it felt to look down and realize that I had no boobs anymore. I don't even know how to describe that. There are no words for that.

Well, that's about all I can write for now. I'll describe the recovery later. And, of course, that terrible moment when the bandages came off, but not now. This is enough for now.

Just Gotta Get This off of My Chest...

2009-10-13T06:01:00.000-07:00

I want my real boobs back. I am so tired of fake boobs.
I hate that I can't ever forget that I have fake boobs.
I hate that they are perfectly round.
I hate looking at myself in the mirror every day.
I hate how ugly the scars are.
I hate that I can't ever sleep on my stomach.
I hate that I don't sleep well, because I have to keep turning over because my chest hurts and is uncomfortable.
I hate that bras are so uncomfortable to wear.
I hate that I have to wear a bra.
I HATE that I can't feel anything when my husband touches me.
I hate how numb my chest is - and it's NEVER going to get better. Ever!
I hate boobs. I can't believe mine tried to kill me. Is it because I was never happy with them? To think that I've always wanted a boob job! I just want my real boobs back.
GAW!!!

Needle Drama

2009-10-09T16:00:00.001-07:00

My youngest son, Matthew, had surgery on both of his feet this morning. I was a little nervous about going back to the hospital where I had my mastectomy. I haven't been back there since that surgery- it's been 1 year, minus 4 days. But, things were ok until we got ready to go home. We were in the recovery room, and the nurse went to remove his IV, and as soon as she removed the bandage and I saw that IV, I got the sickest feeling in my stomach. I got an instant hot flash, and really had to concentrate to not pass out. It's like I had absolutely no control over how I reacted. I guess I can understand why that would happen - there have been so many surgeries for me this past year, and all of that chemo - which all relates to IV needles. My mind and body were just reacting to that.

I wonder how long it will be before I can see an IV needle without getting sick and panicky.

My Fight with the Beast is nearing the end...

2009-10-06T13:35:00.000-07:00

My cancer journey is coming to an end soon. I have two more Herceptin treatments and then I'm done at the cancer center, except for checkups. I'm not sure how I feel about that. One of my friends who went through chemo treatments can't even go anywhere near the cancer center. When she does, she gets sick to her stomach. But, I've been going there for almost a whole year now. I know the nurses - they are happy to see me. And the Herceptin doesn't really bother me - not like the chemo. But, it will be nice to not have to drive to the cancer center.

I'm almost done with the reconstruction of my chess as well. That's been a difficult journey. I've had 3 surgeries on my chest so far. One was the big one - the bi-lateral mastectomy. I'll be writing about that soon. Quite a hard surgery. Then, 8 months later I had the reconstructive surgery, and a couple months ago, I had one more to even things out a bit and fix a scar. But, as I stand looking in the mirror, I think my left side is lower than my right side. So, I'm going back under the knife again. I asked Dr. Bishop if I was just being picky. He said, "Kara, you've lost alot and been through alot. If I can make them look perfect, then I will. I'll let you know if I can't fix things, but right now, I can." That made my feel so much better. Great doctors make all the difference. After that surgery in November, I'll wait 6 weeks, and then do something I thought I'd never do... get tattoos on my chest. They'll tattoo the color on. Crazy, huh? What do you think - should I get a breast cancer ribbon tattooed on my chest to celebrate the end of all this crap? Leave a comment and let me know!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH

2009-10-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

CHECK IT OUT... The month of October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Try to do something during this month to help the fight. Here are 10 suggestions...

1. Find a local breast cancer walk and join it. On October 10th, there is a walk in Liberty Park in Salt Lake City that I'm going to try to go to. Why don't you join me??? http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/MakingStridesAgainstBreastCancer/MSABCFY10GreatWest?pg=entry&fr_id=19868 You can sign up as a team or as an individual walker. Don't forget to make a donation!

2. Do a self exam. Go to the self exam button on the sidebar of this blog. This will give you directions on how to do your self exam. On the 15th of every month, I do a post on this blog reminding you to do your self-exam. It's important.

3. Schedule your mammogram (once a year - October is a great time). There is a button on the sidebar of this blog that you can click once a day - this is easy to do and it provides a free mammogram to those women who can't afford it. Cool, huh? So visit each day to help out. If you'd like to go straight to The Breast Cancer Site where they do this, click here http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=2&ThirdPartyClicks=BCS_linktous_120_01

4. Help a friend who is going through cancer. A few tips. Just offer your help - don't try to say "I know it must be hard", or "I know how you feel". Unless you've been in that exact spot, you'd don't know. So, just help. Bring dinner. Send flowers. Show up and do some laundry, or help clean. Send a note. Anything is appreciated. Believe me, there are days when you just can't even get out of bed, so any help is great. Call first. :-)

5. Donate money to help find a cure. Tina, over at Blogging For Boobs Bash, is raising money for breast cancer research - she will be featuring survivor stories on her blog all month. I'll be there at some point. Go and take a look. http://talkinwithteenie.blogspot.com/search/label/blogging%20for%20boobs%20breast%20bash She's doing lots of give-aways this month as well.

6. If you are a survivor, find someone to mentor - answer their questions, lend them your scarves and hats, etc. There are lots of online communities that you can join to share your story - one I belong to is Wellsphere. I'm in the Breast Cancer community there. Check it out... http://www.wellsphere.com/home.s

7. Be aware! Don't bury your head in the sand and hope breast cancer doesn't come your way. Some statistics:
An estimated 192,370 U.S. women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009- that's about 528 per day, 22 per hour - one woman every 3 minutes!
An estimated 40,170 women will die of breast cancer in 2009 - that's 110 per day!
The median age at breast cancer diagnosis in the United States was 61 years. This means that half the women diagnosed with breast cancer are under the age of 61 - I was 42.
An estimated 2.5 million women living in the United States have a history of breast cancer.
So take care of yourself and make sure the women in your life - mothers, sisters, friends, aunts, cousins - everyone - takes care of themselves.

8. Spread the word about breast cancer - talk to everyone. The internet is a powerful tool - use email, facebook, twitter, blogs - whatever you can think of to spread the word about the importance of early detection in breast cancer.

9. Know your family health history. This is something I need to work on. It changes all the time. You should be aware of the health problems (especially stuff like heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and cancer) of your siblings, parents, and grandparents. When you go to see a doctor, they'll want to know about your history and it really is important.

10. Keep "abreast" of Breast Cancer. Research for Breast Cancer is making huge strides. Gain some knowledge - read books, search the internet, etc. Become an expert. It could help you or someone you know!

Breast cancer SUCKS. You DO NOT want to find out how much. Believe me.

Take Care Everyone! Love you all. Thanks so much for helping me through this last year - you were all wonderful. MMMMWWWWWAAAAA!

Hair Today - Gone Tomorrow... Back Again Today!

2009-10-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day. I actually called my hair stylist, Aimee, and went in to see her. My hair was just barely long enough to style!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!! Aimee took a tiny bit of hair off - just to even things out. Then she put some mousse on it and blow-dried it. Then she used some pomade. Mmmmmm!!! It was absolutely heavenly to be in the salon, having someone do my hair. 4 months ago I was bald! Now I have hair. Life is GOOD!

Here are a few pics of my new hairstyle... (ignore the double chin please - Aimee couldn't do anything about that)

I Find Out - I HAVE CANCER...

2009-09-18T07:13:00.000-07:00

After I had a needle-guided biopsy, the waiting began. Don't you hate it when the results from tests take FOREVER?! The waiting was hard. I just wanted to know. I felt like the world should just stop and hold it's breath until my results came in. I mean, how long could it possibly take to check for cancer?! I called the surgeon's office on Monday and Tuesday, asking if the results were back. He gently explained that it was a complicated thing they had to do - first they had to dye the tissue, then they had to slice it up - like slicing bread - and then they had to test each tiny piece to make sure we got everything. If any little bit of the DCIS was touching the dyed area, then the "borders" wouldn't be clear and we'd have to go back in and take more out.

So, I tried to be patient. I went to work on Wednesday, and it was hard to concentrate. By early afternoon, I figured another day had gone by without results. As my boss, and friend, Carol, was walking out the door at around 3:15 pm, my cell phone rang. She hesitated, and I looked at the caller ID. "It's the surgeon's office." Carol came back in as I answered the phone. It was Dr. Robinson. He said, "Kara, we got the results of your biopsy back. (Right then, I figured it had to be negative, because why would he tell me I have cancer over the phone?!). "You've got two kinds of breast cancer." Just like that. A simple statement. You've got cancer.

How many people have heard those terrible, frightening words? I bet every one of you who has heard those words remembers where you were when you heard them. It's not something that I ever thought I'd hear. I looked at Carol, and nodded. She sank down on the sofa. I somehow found myself sitting down in my chair. I continued to just listen...

"You've got two kinds of cancer. One is non-invasive. It's the Ductal Carcinoma In Situ that we talked about. But, as they were slicing the tissue open, they found a small tumor. That is invasive. This changes things."
"How?"
"Well, we'll need to check the surrounding tissue - especially check the lymph nodes to see if it has spread... blah, blah, blah..."
... and I was sucked into the world of cancer speak. Another biospy. Didn't get it all. Sentinal lymph node dissection. Possibly chemo. Maybe mastectomy (ok, I didn't hear that - I just thought it). The surgeon tried to explain where we needed to go from there. It was hard to listen and comprehend. I look at Carol the whole time. It's like she kept me grounded. If she wouldn't have been there, I couldn't have held it together. I calmly made an appointment to see the surgeon again. Then, I hung up the phone.

"Kara, I'm so sorry." Carol was in tears. Her mom had died from breast cancer. I realized then what awful news this was for her to hear. And then she said, "Shantel and I just knew it would be positive." Huh?!
"What do you mean, you knew?"
"We just felt like there was a huge change coming for you - that the test results would be positive." Huh. Ok.

Carol went home, and I got into my car to head to an appointment I had. Again, I thought the world would just stop and hold it's breath for a minute. But, nothing like that happened. I called my husband. Here's how the conversation went...

"Hi, what's up?"
"Well, I got the results from the biopsy back."
"Yeah?"
"I've got two kinds of breast cancer." Pause.
"What?" I repeat myself.
"No."
"Yes, yes I do."
"No you don't. Who told you that?"

Isn't it just maddening when someone won't believe you. Did he think I was making it up?!

"Yes, Rick, I just talked to the surgeon. He found the DCIS, which is non-invasive, but they also found a tumor that didn't show up on the mammogram. That's invasive. I have breast cancer." Another long pause.

You see, neither Rick nor I thought for even one second that the test results would be positive. Neither one of us saw this coming. It just kind of hit us like a brick wall.
"I'm so sorry, Kara. Do you want me to come home right now? I don't want you to be alone." Sweet.
"Nope, I'm going to get my nails done."
"What?! No - you can't do that."
"Look, I need NORMAL! I need to do something normal right now. I can't just sit and think about this. I'll go crazy."

We finished our conversation, and I headed to get my nails done. On the way, I called my mom and my sister. My mom was calm and reassuring. My sister was hysterical - for a minute - and then she calmed down. You see, she had just lost her sister-in-law to breast cancer a few month earlier. What a nightmare. I found out much later that my mother had hung up the phone and collapsed on the floor. Into a fetal position. My dad couldn't get her up. She just lay there, sobbing. I'm glad I didn't know that at the time. I needed my mom's strength. She never showed anything but a positive, fighting attitude when she was around me.

When I got home, I had the very unpleasant task of telling my children. My oldest was off serving an LDS mission in Japan - he'd been gone for almost a year and a half. I called the mission home and talked to the president of the mission. (you can't just call and talk to you son - it's not allowed). The president told me to write a letter to Grant and mail it asap. He would personally give it to Grant and be there to talk to him. So, I sat down and wrote the letter. It was a hard one to write - I mean, what do you say? I tried to be upbeat and positive... Everything was going to be fine - don't worry. Forget about me and yourself, and burying yourself in the work - Heavenly Father will take care of things, etc.

(His reaction to the letter? He emailed me - "I knew you would have cancer. I just had a feeling when you told me you had been sick that you'd have cancer." Funny thing - after my previous email told him that I wasn't feeling well and was having tests done, he emailed me back and said, "Well, don't get cancer! HAHA!" Yeah. Then, the next thing he knows, he gets a letter telling him I have cancer!)

Then, I had to tell my 18 year old. His reaction? "Yeah, I knew this was going to happen." Again, HUH?! He said, "It's going to be ok, Mom."

Then I told my 14 year old. "What? What does that mean?" He was worried. But I reassured him.

Then, last of all, I told my 11 year old. "Matthew, remember the surgery I had? Well, the doctor called and he said that I have breast cancer." "That sucks. What does it mean?" "It's ok. I have a really good doctor, and he is going to make me better. I'll be sick for awhile, and probably have another surgery, but I'll be fine after that. Ok?" "Ok." And then he went back to playing his video game. I loved his reaction the best.

I don't blame anyone for reacting the way they did - denying, crying, questioning, etc. What would you do? You hear this awful thing and it's hard to cover up that first reaction. Anyway, the weird thing about that day was what came out of everyone's mouths: "I knew it. We knew the test results would be positive." Every person, except me and Rick, KNEW I'd have breast cancer. Even my kids. The only explanation I could come up with... Heavenly Father prepared every one of them to hear that news. He prepared them! He helped them deal with it. I'm so glad that happened.

It was a hard day - possibly the hardest one to that point. And I had NO IDEA what was coming. But, I knew I had the love and support of every person around me.

Sense of smell triggers emotions

2009-09-17T06:51:00.000-07:00

Something weird happened to me this morning in the shower. Last year, during most of my surgeries and during chemo, I used this body wash soap (Olay Ribbons with lotion). But, I haven't used it for quite awhile. This morning I opened the bottle and used it. Mistake. As soon as I smelled the soap (which actually smells really good), I started having flash backs to all of that awful stuff! It was so weird. I thought about showering with drains in my chest, showering with just barely enough energy to get in and get out, showering and almost fainting from sickness, etc. It was very unpleasant. The same thing has happened to me when I've used the body powder with the chamomile scent that I used during chemo.

Isn't that weird? Has this happened to anyone else? I guess our sense of smell triggers memories and emotions. Interesting.

By-the-way, I won't be using those products anymore. Yeah.

Self Exam

2009-09-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

Today's the day to do your breast self exam!

Get into the habit once a month. It could save your life!

Breast cancer sucks. You DON'T want to find out how much.

Really? Another surgery?

2009-09-04T09:00:00.001-07:00

Boys... (my sons), if you are reading this, I'm going to talk about the "B" word again, so you might want to go read something else!

On August 25th, I went to see my plastic surgeon, Dr. Bishop, to do a post-surgery checkup. I've spent the last month pushing down on the right implant, trying to get it to go down and be even with the left one. But, it hasn't moved yet. Darn it. So, we are going to keep pushing on it for another 4 weeks. If it still doesn't move, then I've got a decision to make. It's really not that bad - the middle of the breasts (nipple reconstruction) is only about a finger width difference. But, um, you can tell they are kind of lopsided. Oh, and the right one is rounded up higher than the left one. It looks fine in a bra, but not without one. You might think I'm just being too picky. At least I have them, for crying out loud! You are right. I am being picky. But, here's the thing... I know my doctor can fix it. And I don't WANT to go around lop-sided. It's as simple as that. If I have to have fake boobs, I want them to look good.

So, Dr. B (not the same as my oncologist, Dr. B) asked me which one I like better. Hahahahaha! I told him I like the right one better. He said that if it didn't go down to match the left one in a month, then I'd go back in for another surgery - this time he'd make a cut into the side of my left "boob" and pull the implant out. Then he'd go in and suture the muscle underneath where the implant goes, then he'd put the implant back in. That should make both sides look even. Then, when I'm finally healed, I'll have the tatooing - putting color on the nipple area. No one really wants me to go in for another surgery (this will be by seventh), but THEY don't have to live with crooked boobs. So, they don't get to make that decision - I do. :-)

Herceptin - the wonder drug.

2009-09-03T18:17:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've posted. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that it's been a year since I started this journey. I've read through my last post a few times, and it hits me the same every time! I can't stop crying when I read about everything I've been through. I wish it was over, but it's not. I'm still getting Herceptin every 3 weeks.

Herceptin is a miracle drug. I started it when I started chemo. It's an antibody drug used in the treatment of breast cancer in women with HER2 tumors. HER2 = human epidermal growth factors receptor 2. Wow, that's a mouth full! The HER2 protein is a genetic defect found in some tumors. This protein causes a tumor to be more aggressive. My doctor explained that it causes cancer to become a super cancer - the growth rate of tumors with HER2 is accelerated. He told me that before Herceptin was developed, women with HER2 were dying in early stages of cancer, because nothing would work to block the HER2. Dr. B had a cool way of explaining chemo and herceptin. He said that the chemo goes into your body like a bomb - it just explodes and goes everywhere. That's why, not only does it kills the cancer, it "kills" other healthy things, like your hair, nails, inside of your mouth and down your throat, etc. Herceptin, on the other hand, goes into your body like a missile - straight to the HER2 protein and kills it. So, the great thing about Herceptin is that there are very few side effects. Unlike chemo, Herceptin doesn't hurt the healthy parts of your body. Oh, except for your heart. Yep. It's funny - I'm sitting here reading an information page that I got from the chemo center about Herceptin, and nowhere does it say it can damage your heart! Here's what it says...

The drug is given by IV, and during administration of the drug there is a chance you may experience sweating, chills, and possibly fever. ALSO, Herceptin can possibly cause: nausea and vomiting, abdominal pain and diarrhea, headache and fatigue, tremors, insomnia, and lowered white blood count with increased potential for infections. I really wish I would have read this BEFORE now. I've been on Herceptin for almost a year and I thought I would have NO side effects. So, I've always thought it was weird that every time I get a Herceptin treatment, I get a headache. And I feel kind of yucky - like I'm getting the flu. It doesn't last long, and is NOTHING like chemo, but still... it would have been nice to know that was normal. Geez!

Now, about the heart thing. My doctor has been doing these scans called MUGA scans. They are pretty cool. A MUGA scan is performed by taking some of my blood and attaching a radioactive substance to the red blood cells. Then they inject the red blood cells back into my bloodstream. Then they put me under a special camera (a gamma camera), which is able to detect the low-level radiation being given off by the red cells. Since the red blood cells (including those that are radio-labelled) fill the cardiac chambers, the image produced by the gamma camera is essentially an outline of those chambers. With some fancy computer manipulation, the final product is a movie of the heart beating. (Wow, I sound pretty smart! I'm not - I just googled MUGA scan.) I've had 3 of these (I think). My cancer doc has been watching my heart carefully for the past year. So, last week, when I went to get my Herceptin treatment, he read the results from the latest scan. He was concerned because my heart function (pumping blood) had dropped quite a bit. He explained that if our hearts pumped perfectly, they would pump 100% of the blood out each time they pumped, but they aren't perfect. So, "normal" for our hearts is 50-75%. My first few scans had me at 61%. This last scan was 51%. Hm. So, Dr. B wouldn't give me Herceptin until I had a Cardio MRI. So, last Friday, I had one. I'll have to write another post describing that - right now I can't talk about it. I'm still feeling claustrophobic! Anyway, yesterday I went back to the cancer center and found out that my percentage had gone up to 59% and I was given the go-ahead to have another Herceptin treatment. I guess that's a good thing. I only have about 3 more treatments total, so it looks like I'll get to finish a full course of Herceptin. Yay for me.

One Year Anniversary!

2009-08-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

It's been one year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. One year ago, today, I heard those words: You have two kinds of breast cancer. I've been watching this anniversary approach for a few days now, and have been thinking back to one year ago. Little did I know, when I heard those words, what they would mean. I have a need to write about this year - it's almost like being underwater and not being able to breath. There's a certain panicked feeling. I'm not sure why. But, maybe if I review what I've been through this last year, I will feel more in control again. I'm not sure that even makes sense. Out of control - that's how I've felt for the last year. I've felt like every second since my diagnosis has gone flying by - there just hasn't been enough time to make the decisions that I made. You would think that when you've got to decide whether or not to have your chest cut off, the world would just stop and hold it's breath. But, no. It seems like the world speeds up. Everything comes too soon. You decide on something and it seems like that something happens the next second. You can't slow it down. It's funny how things speed up and then slow way down - hurry, hurry, hurry... bi-lateral mastectomy, chemo, reconstructive surgery. Then, you lose your hair and your nails and they take forever to grow back. Your health and strength is quickly drained away, and then takes forever to come back.

When you've gone through something so life-altering, you look back and think "No way - I did not just make it through that!" Seriously. I really don't know how I'm still here. Sane. Recovering.

How did I have the strength to...

Go through a random needle biopsy by myself? I nicknamed this kind of biopsy, "harpooning for cancer". That's exactly what is was. I remember lying there with tears streaming down my face, as the doctor jabbed another needle in yet another "random" place - without. numbing. medicine. It was all I could do, after one side of my chest was done, to turn over and hold still for the other side. It's one of the worst things that I've ever had to do. The pain was terrible. I will never do that again. Ever.

How did I have the strength to...

Have a bi-lateral mastectomy? I wasn't really strong. This decision almost killed me. I had to take full responsibility for it, and that wasn't easy. I remember lying on the operating table, starting to lose consciousness, and all of a sudden I just started panicking - crying uncontrollably. The nurse was kind and gave me a hug, and tried to calm me down. She asked me why I was crying - was I scared? Um... Yes! Mostly, scared of what I'd wake up to! Half of me.

How did I have the strength to...

Go through chemo? Think about it. I voluntarily walk into that room, sat down in a chair, and let them pump poison - real poison - into my body. I can't believe I didn't get up out of the chair and run screaming from the room. What gave me the strength to sit there? I remember being so scared - I've never been that scared before. It was fear of the unknown, I think. What would this poison do to my body? I knew it would kill the cancer, but what else would it do?

How did I have the strength to...

Make it through each night after that first chemo treatment? I rarely slept during those first three weeks. There are night demons that disturb your sleep when you've got poison running through your veins. When everything else in the house goes silent and sleeps, your brain doesn't. I remember waking up at different times during the night to tug on my hair - just to make sure it wasn't falling out yet. I would wander through the rooms in my house, thinking. And, during the dead of night, your thoughts are not pleasant ones, believe me.

How did I have the strength to...

Shave my head? That was almost worse than the mastectomy! Your hair is your identity. At least, it seems like it is after you've lost it. It's awful for a woman to be bald. It plays with her mind - kills her self esteem. And what about going out in public after you've shaved your head. I really can't believe I ever left the house.

How did I have the strength to...

Sit in the chair at the plastic surgeon's office and let him fill the expanders? I remember walking into the exam room and seeing those syringes filled with saline. I hate needles, and there I was, staring at 2 inch long needles attached to 6 inch long syringes, as big around as a cucumber! 60cc shot into each expanders, every 3 weeks. It was awful... really, it was awful.

How does one find the strength to go through anything hard in this life? Where does that strength come from? Well, I believe that every person has an inner strength - something that we pull from deep down inside of us when we have to. But, I also believe in the strength that God gives us. I know he walked by me through this whole last year, and, at times (probably more often than not), He carried me. I've felt his love and concern for me. I've felt His encouragement when I didn't think I could get out of bed, or get through the recovery after a surgery. I'm so grateful for the spirit of the Lord in my life. I would never have been able to get through this last year without that spirit leading and guiding me.

I think I'm a stronger person today, than I was one year ago. I was able to make it through a year of hell, and I'm still around to continue fighting. It's ok, too. I'm fine, and I'll continue to heal and regain strength. I look forward to one year from now. My goals? To be healthier than I was last year when I was diagnosed. To make exercise part of my daily routine. To learn everything I can about nutrition, so that I can take care of my body. To smile more - and to be truly happy with myself and my body.

Self Exam

2009-08-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

Today's the day to do your breast self exam!

Get into the habit once a month. It could save your life!

Breast cancer sucks. You DON'T want to find out how much.

Sisters

2009-08-13T17:29:00.000-07:00

I love this picture of me and my sister, walking at the Relay For Life cancer walk last week...

A New Breast Cancer Blog

2009-08-11T06:46:00.000-07:00

This morning I received an email from a friend of a friend who is going through her second round of breast cancer. She is a motivational speaker and has a wonderful blog www.learningfromlynn.blogspot.com. As I visited the blog and read through some of her posts, I was, once again, reminded of all of the incredible women I know. I'm so glad she emailed me. What a blessing it will be in my life to have this blog to read. The thing that stands out about Lynn's blog is that it is a motivational blog - it really is! It seems no matter what Lynn is going through, she makes sure to end her post with something motivational for the reader. I know that this breast cancer blog (mine) is much more a reality blog (not that hers isn't), and I can see now that I should start to put more helpful, supportive comments into my posts. Not only will that probably help my readers more, but it will give me those much needed happy thoughts.

I'll try harder to be more uplifting in my posts from now on. Thanks Lynn!

I'm humbled...

2009-08-08T15:37:00.000-07:00

This is a post I apparently forgot to post after my last surgery (I blame the pain pills!) - I just found the rough draft. It's an important post, so here it is...

Once again I'm reminded of all the incredible people who love me. Our ladies church group arranged for dinners for 3 nights after my surgery - this puts us up to around 50+ meals they've provided us since I was diagnosed 1 year ago. I've received 2 or 3 cards in the mail this week - friends just checking up on me, making sure I know they are praying for me and love me. I'm always humbled when things like this happen to me. If there's one thing I've learned during this whole last year, it's the meaning of love, charity, and service. Every one of the people who have served me holds a special place in my heart. There have been friends and neighbors who have told me that they regret not doing more - that all they've done is pray for me. Believe me, I know the power of prayer. Praying for my welfare is a HUGE thing. I'm really, really, very grateful.

Would I have learned about charity and service any other way? Possibly. But, nothing drives home those wonderful concepts like a whole group of people taking care of you.

I'm humbled. I'm grateful. Thank you. I love you all.

Wake Up!!

2009-08-08T14:20:00.000-07:00

Wow. The nerves that have been damaged across my chest - making my chest numb - have started to WAKE UP! Man, I had NO idea how blessed I am to have a numb chest until this started yesterday. It comes and goes. It feels like little knives stabbing me in random places. Can you imagine how I would feel if my chest wasn't mostly numb? I'd probably be hooked on painkillers by this time. Yeah. Wonder if it will ever go away? I hope so. It wears me out, dealing with pain like this. By the end of the day I just want to go to sleepy land, where little stabbing knives can't touch me.

Sorry about the last 3 posts

2009-08-06T11:54:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to get my new blog button and signature set up. I'm just checking to see if the signature worked. No more stupid, pointless posts - I promise!

My New Blog Signature

2009-08-06T11:50:00.000-07:00

My Cancer Blog Button...

2009-08-06T10:37:00.001-07:00

I'm a HealthBlogger for Wellsphere...

2009-08-06T10:27:00.000-07:00

I was just asked to be HealthBlogger for the Breast Cancer Community at Wellsphere. They will be taking some of my posts from this blog and sharing them there. I'm happy that I'll be able to maybe help someone with their breast cancer journey. They get over 4 million visitors every month, so hopefully more people will be able to read my blog and get help. My number one goal when I started this blog was to get the word out about breast cancer. Since then, it's become an important part of my healing. I'm not sure how successful I've been at helping women learn about breast cancer so far, but if even one woman becomes more aware because of me, then I'll be happy.

Relay For Life Cancer Walk 2009

2009-08-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

Last night my family participated in the Relay For Life Cancer Walk here in Syracuse Utah. This is the 3rd time we've done this, but my first time as a cancer survivor. This is somewhat of a family reunion for us - many of my cousins where there with their families, my aunts and uncles, and my parents. We started going to this walk after my cousin, Wendy, was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago. This year, Wendy and I walked, along with my mom (who has skin cancer), and two of my cousins (who have cervical cancer). 5 survivors!!! Here are some of the pictures from last night...

My mom, my sister, and me at the starting line.

Wendy gives her sister Tina a high-five!

An emotional moment - it's been a LONG year for me.

Our care givers met us halfway around the survivors' lap - there is my sister and my dad (who met my mom)

The banner I made - 'The Beauty Remains' was our team name.

Five survivors - Cousins, Jen and Sara, my mom Barbara, me, and cousin, Wendy - we meet up with our team to take a lap around the track.

Our team walking the lap after the survivors lap - look at everyone who came out to support us!

My sons are walking behind me.

At 10:00 pm, we decorate and then light luminaries - for the survivors and those who have died from cancer. Here are the luminaries for me, Wendy, my grandpa, and the son of some good friends of my parents.

This was kind of a personal victory for me. I'm so thankful my family was there to share it with me (my husband and son, Michael, didn't make it for the survivors laps, but came a little later). Cancer SUCKS!

"I don't think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains."

2009-07-30T12:03:00.001-07:00

I just found this quote by Anne Frank. Keep in mind, I'm not comparing cancer to the holocaust - this quote just really touched me. It made me think of everything that I've been through - the misery - and that even though my body is different physically, the beauty - what I truly am inside - remains.

My First Biopsy - August 15, 2008

2009-07-29T21:24:00.000-07:00

My first biopsy was a needle-guided biopsy. I went to the same place in the hospital where I went to get my mammograms. I changed into a hospital gown and the nurses led me into the mammogram room. The radiologist came in to insert the needle. I have to admit, I was scared. I really am quite a baby when it comes to being stuck with a needle. I would seriously rather have the flu, than get a flu shot!

The doctor numbed the area where he would be putting the needle. That really hurt. It stung. Then, because he needed to see where the white spots were – so he could put the needle in the correct place – they put me back in to the mammogram clamps. It was painful and I was scared. I remember the nurses being so nice, calling me honey, and trying to help me calm down. When I was clamped in pretty tight, they told me not to move (yeah, right) and the doctor put the needle into my left breast. It looked to me like the needle was about 8 inches long, but they really tried to get me to not look. In reality, there was a normal sized needle and then a long piece of metal attached to the end. The needle was pushed all the way into my breast – right to the part that had the DCIS-looking spots. The metal part was left hanging out of my chest. I made it through that part without getting up and running, screaming, out of the hospital. But, probably only because I had a hospital gown on and I would have looked ridiculous. The nurses were all worried about the metal sticking out of my breast, so they were trying to cover it up with gauze. You can imagine, I’m sure, how hard that would be. I kept telling them to just leave it alone – I really didn’t care if anyone saw the stupid piece of metal sticking out. I was really worried that if they kept touching it, it would move and I’d have to go through the placement all over again. I got kind of angry with them, asking them if it was me they were worried about, or everyone else in the hospital having to see it!

Rick and I were led into a holding room and we were told it wouldn’t be much longer before the surgery. Several hours later, I was still waiting there, with the needle sticking out of my boob, and all the numbing had worn off. I was in pain and tired and stressed. Rick was mad. Finally, the surgeon came in and let me know what they would be doing. The anesthesiologist came in to talk to me and put my IV in (another of my “favorite” things!). When I was ready, they wheeled me away and I don’t remember anything after that.

Rick brought me home and I remember looking at the scar with all the stitches. It looked like the shape of a half-moon. Then, the waiting began. Did I have cancer? Rick and I didn’t think so. It was just too preposterous to believe.

Post-Op Visit

2009-07-28T19:49:00.000-07:00

Today was my first post-op visit to my doctor. This surgery hasn't been as hard to recover from as the previous surgeries. My doctor told me that I looked great. He said that the wounds are healing nicely. He removed the stitches in the nipple reconstruction area. He actually glued the two large scars together during the surgery so we wouldn't have to use steri-strips (they stuck to my skin and pulled it off when they were removed after my last surgery). He said that the glue is just like skin and it will gradually come off in the shower. The nipples look good. It's weird to see those again. It looks kind of strange because the color hasn't been tattooed on yet, so they are the same color as my skin. I'm kind of impressed by them, though. I mean, it's been a LONG time since I looked in the mirror and thought I had real breasts. I knew that I had to have the nipple reconstruction - they just wouldn't look like breasts if I didn't "finish" the job. One breast is sitting up higher than the other one now, so for the next 8 weeks I'll be massaging the one side to try to help it drop a little. Hopefully, by the end of the 8 weeks, the breast will be even again. If not, there's no way I can go around with the nipple lopsided, right. That would look ridiculous. So, we'll decide what to do at that time. After everything is even, then I'll have the tattooing done. I'm really pleased with the outcome so far. It's amazing what medical science can do now. I'm truly blessed, and very thankful.

Relay for Life Cancer Walk and John Canaan Concert

2009-07-26T10:24:00.000-07:00

This coming Friday/Saturday is the Relay for Life, held at Syracuse High School in northern Utah. My sister is the captain of our team. It's an overnight walk - really, a very fun night. My parents will be there with the trailer and will be making hamburgers and hot dogs for anyone from our team. My cousin is coming from California. Her sister, a cancer survivor, will be there, too. I'll get to do the survivors' lap with her. This is my first cancer walk since I was diagnosed last August. This is where I'll celebrate being a survivor with family and friends. I'm excited. I'll also be selling tickets there - to the Health Wellness, and Relationships Expo, being held that night at the Larry Miller Campus. (9750 S. 300 W. - Sandy, Utah (West of I-15). It will be held from 6:30-10:00 pm that night. It features the following: Dr. John Lund, Justin Williams (American Idol finalist),
Dr. Cliff Dunston, John Canaan and the One Voice Children's Choir. They'll be speaking on "The Way to a Man's Heart - The Way to a Woman's Heart - How to Keep Superman Flying and the Queen Reigning" (presented by John Canaan), and "Take a Look at Your Heart" - analysis of the #1 challenge in relationships: "Hints." (presented by Dr. John Lund). There will be lots of give-aways, demonstrations, learning, inspiration and encouragement for your life and relationships. It's a great date night for couple and families. The best part is that I'm selling tickets for HALF PRICE - just $10.00 each. And the really great part is that $9 of each ticket sell will go to Relay for Life - for cancer research! I'm really excited that John Canaan gave me this opportunity. I've got 75 tickets, so first come, first served. ;-) I hope to see many people at the cancer walk and at the concert that night. Email me if you want tickets: nafari01 (at) yahoo (dot) com.

Post Surgery Healing

2009-07-23T21:55:00.000-07:00

It's been 4 days since my surgery. I finally took all the bandages off today. I have such a bad reaction to any kind of tape - the tape holding the gauze on was causing a red rash on my skin. Last time I had surgery, the steri strips stuck to my skin and all my skin came off when the doctor pulled the steri strips off. I was afraid that would happen again. So, now I'm just wearing a t-shirt over nothing. I hope it's ok. So, the girls (reconstructed nipples) seem to be doing ok. One is bigger than the other, though. That's a little disturbing. Also, one is a little bit higher than the other, so I look lop-sided. That's really disturbing. I hope after the swelling goes down and everything is healed, I'll look ok. So far, the recovery isn't too bad. I'm having some pain, but the Lortab takes care of that. I'm pretty worn out, but that happens with every surgery. I'll just take it easy and hopefully the healing will go fast and I'll feel better soon. I have one week from today before the cancer walk. Hope I feel well enough to walk that night. I'm going to bed now - I cleaned my bedroom and I'm really tired. Night!

Last Surgery

2009-07-20T05:33:00.000-07:00

Today I'm headed to the hospital for my last surgery - the sixth one. This time my plastic surgeon will be working on the shape and look of the reconstruction. The scar on my left side is really tight and so he is going to zig-zag it open so that the tightness and pressure are released. Hopefully that will make it so the scar isn't pushing in on the implant and making the front of it bumpy. The definition under the left breast has always been amazing, a nice beautiful curved line. Not so on the right side. It's still round, but not as defined. So, he'll open up that scar and suture a line in the muscle to create that definition. It probably still won't be as nice as the left side, but Dr. Bishop said that he's never seen definition as nice as what I've got on the left side. It's king of weird - not the norm. There are several sutures coming out through my skin from my earlier surgery under my arms, so he is going to (in his words), "Dig those out". Sounds unpleasant, right? It will be nice to have those gone, though. They scratch my arms.

The other thing he will be doing is creating the nipples. I'm not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, I think having nipples, even though they, along with the both "breasts", are fake, will make them seem real. I think my mind needs that. It's hard to look in the mirror and think that everything looks normal when there are no nipples. On the other hand, I haven't worn a bra since October. And no one knows. And I REALLY don't want to ever wear a bra again. There's really no need. Besides, I can't find one that fits the shape of the implants. It's really frustrating. But, I'm worried that without a bra, it will look silly - like I'm freezing cold all the time, if you know what I mean! Without the nipples, no one knows I'm not wearing a bra and you don't even notice the breasts. With nipples, they'll notice! It's kind of interesting how they make the nipples. I think he'll slice open the skin in a few places, causing flaps. Then he'll use that skin and pull the flaps up and around to form a skin mound. I'll have a small line going horizontally right through each nipple, but they will be hidden by the tatooing that will be done in 6 weeks to put the color on. Hmmm. That's just weird.

Well, Rick is ready. And we're off to the hospital... again. You know, everyone is so used to my surgeries now - no one ever wants to be at the hospital, or come to the house afterward. It's ok with me, really. I don't care. But it's far from where we were with the mastectomy - everyone was there. Haha. That's ok. I think Rick would prefer not having people at the hospital. Wish me luck.

Calling All Breast Cancer Babes

2009-07-16T21:45:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure the best way to get this out - but, I'd like to start interviewing women who have had breast cancer OR are fighting breast cancer now OR who are survivors, etc. Then, I'd like to highlight one of you beautiful women each week on my blog. If you are reading this and wouldn't mind me interviewing you, please leave a comment on this post OR please contact me at nafari01 (at) yahoo (dot) com. If you know of someone who fits the above description, let them know/have them contact me. There are so many amazing women out there who have a story to tell about breast cancer. I want to meet you! Help me help other women with breast cancer - tell your story.

Looking forward to hearing from A LOT of you!

-Kara

Self Exam

2009-07-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

Today's the day to do your breast self exam!

Get into the habit once a month. It could save your life!

Breast cancer sucks. You DON'T want to find out how much.

Surgeon Consultation - surgery looms...

2009-07-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

This is the 2nd installment of the cancer journey (the part that happened before I started my blog). These blog posts are listed under "Let's Start At The Beginning".

After talking to the radiologist at the hospital after my second mammogram, I made an appointment with a surgeon to talk about having a biopsy. A few days before I met with the surgeon, I went to participate in the Relay For Life cancer walk. This was to support my cousin Wendy, who had been diagnosed with DCIS breast cancer about a year earlier. Because I was such a dork during her cancer journey - I didn't even call her (I relied on my mom for information) - I wanted to go and support her by walking at the cancer walk. When I got there, my family heard that my mammogram had discovered something. I was worried, but I remember Wendy saying..."Don't worry until you find out if you really do have it". That was good advice. I tried not to think about it for the rest of the night. Three days later, on August 12, 2009, I met with the surgeon. I really like Dr. ***, who reminded me of Mickey Rooney. Rick and I both were at this appointment. The doctor explained things to us in a little more detail than the radiologist did. He explained that because he wouldn't be able to see the calcifications during the surgery, we would have to do a "needle-guided" biopsy. The radiologist would place a long needle into the breast, pointing to the area that needed to be removed. The surgeon would use the needle to guide him down to the breast tissue where the calcifications were located and he would take a large area out. The calcifications were quite far back - almost right against the chest wall (muscle), which is the reason for the needle. I HATE needles. I know that most people don't like them, but I really HATE them. I was very nervous for this surgery.

Rick and I had questions, of course: How much tissue had to be removed? What would the breast look like after that? If it was DCIS, what then? Radiation? Chemo? What? Dr. *** tried to answer all of our questions, but it was still a little too early for most of the answers. He did say that if it was DCIS, I would then have to do 6 weeks of radiation after the surgery.

After seeing the doctor, I called my cousin, Wendy. I asked her about the biopsy, the radiation, and other things. I remember that as soon as she answered the phone, I started crying. I was just so scared. But, I knew that Wendy survived hers, so I would be ok. I hoped. She was very helpful and had such a great attitude. She has been a rock during this whole cancer journey - she calls me all the time to check on me, she talks me through things. I really love her.

So, the surgery was scheduled for 3 days later - August 15, 2009.

Grateful

2009-07-04T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm so grateful that I live in a country where medical training, research and development of important drugs, and freedom of choice in healthcare are so important and advanced. If I didn't, I wouldn't have been so well taken care of, and maybe wouldn't be here today.

Have 4th of July!

Wading through bills

2009-07-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

Just spent some time wading through medical bills. I'm trying to figure out why, when I have an out-of-pocket maximum of $1500 per year, I've actually paid over $2000 so far. And, I have two more bills totaling $1000! I know I should be grateful for the incredibly good insurance we have (I am), but I really hate it when another bill that is "your portion" arrives in the mail. This whole cancer thing has been way too expensive!

Update: Herceptin, Aches and Pains, and Panic

2009-06-22T14:18:00.001-07:00

Just came home from my latest Herceptin appointment. I saw Dr. Bott as well. I showed him the report that said I have Epstein Barr virus and he didn't think that was what is causing my aches and pains. He said that almost everyone over the age of 20 has had EPV, and that the report doesn't prove that's what is wrong right now. I'm kind of annoyed. I really don't know what to think now. For the last several days, I've felt like I have an excuse for feeling awful and needing to rest more. Now, I don't know what to think.

Also, I asked him about the follow up on the cancer. I've been upset because he isn't going to do any big tests (scans) until something hurts or a cough won't go away, etc. But, he explained today, that each time I come to see him, he has blood work done that shows him if anything is wrong - like in my liver. If something bad shows up in the bloodwork, then he'll do a liver scan (or whatever). I feel much better. Yes, because I'm HER2 positive, if the cancer comes back, it will be aggressive. But, Dr. Bott is being aggressive too. So, that's good. Plus, the Herceptin that I've been taking makes my prognosis much better.

I had a difficult time at the cancer center today. I don't know why - I just didn't want to be there, I guess. I can't wait to be done with the Herceptin treatments - I have to continue until the end of October. I felt like I was having a panic attack while I waited today. I guess just looking into the chemo room was enough to make me feel awful. Hmmm. That's never happened before.

This will all pass, I know.

Self Exam

2009-06-15T17:50:00.000-07:00

Today's the day to do your breast self exam!

Get into the habit once a month. It could save your life!

Breast cancer sucks. You DON'T want to find out how much.

Epstein-Barr Virus

2009-06-15T17:11:00.000-07:00

I just found out that I have Epstein-Barr virus. I KNEW IT! Let me explain...

Last December, when I was right in the middle of my chemo treatments, my son came home from college over the Christmas break. He had just been diagnosed with mono. Then, around the same time, my sister was diagnosed with Epstein-Barr Virus. That's the virus that causes mononucleosis. She was in intense pain. She could hardly walk.

Epstein-Barr virus is a member of the herpes family. It's a pretty common virus. In fact, as many as 95 percent of adults between 35 and 40 years of age have been infected. Mono, is a contagious viral illness that initially attacks the lymph nodes in the neck and throat. Mono is caused by the Epstein-Barr virus. The virus enters the lymph nodes and attacks the white blood cells manufactured there. As the white blood cells come into contact with the virus, they change shape and multiply. At first, there are no symptoms because it takes several weeks before enough of the altered cells can accumulate to generate infection. The incubation period in adults is quite long; sometimes, 30 to 50 days. I didn't start to notice symptoms until March. Then I started to get really sore. Almost all of my muscles and joints hurt. I've had a lot of fatigue, too, but I thought that was just from the chemo.

I told my oncologist, the last time I went in to see him, about how sore I've been. He had some blood tests done, to check for things like Lupus (which is a chronic, autoimmune disease, which causes inflammation of various parts of the body) and Rheumatoid Arthritis (symptoms can include fatigue, loss of energy, lack of appetite, low-grade fever, muscle and joint aches, and stiffness). The tests all came back negative. After I had my blood drawn and went home, I remembered that I had been exposed to mono (through my son and my sister), and so I called the doctor's office and told his nurse that they might want to check for Epstein-Barr as well. His reaction? "If I thought it was Epstein-Barr, I would have tested for that". Yeah. So, NO, he didn't test for it. I got a call back from the nurse a few days later and she reported the negative findings and that was it. No further testing. No ideas on how to help. Nothing. So, last week, when I had my kids into our family doctor for scout physicals, my doctor asked how things were going with the cancer treatments and how I was feeling. I told him about the pain (and that I had been exposed to Eptein-Barr and mono). He was concerned enough to order more blood work to check for that. Today I went to see him, and sure enough, that's what I have. There really isn't much I can do for the pain. I just have to let the virus run it's course. It could take awhile, because my body has to build up the antibodies to the virus, and my immune system isn't quite up to the task right now. I just googled Epstein-Barr and found that it can affect the nerves of the body, resulting in headaches and muscle pain. These symptoms are usually seen in the early acute stage when the symptoms are most severe. My doctor thinks I'm right in the middle - the worst - part of the illness right now.

But, it sure is a relief to at least know for sure what is causing all of this pain. I really feel about 80 years old. My knees, especially, hurt like crazy every time I try to stand up. I'm just so annoyed with my oncologist. He completely ignored what I told him. Geez. Whatever.

I think I'll go get some Epsom salts (high in magnesium - which is helpful in relaxing the nerves and muscles) to add to my bath water tonight. I'm going to soak the pain away. Hopefully it works. :-)

IF... THEN...

2009-06-13T08:54:00.000-07:00

It's gone. Really. The doctor cut the cancer out and then cut out all the tissue that it could possibly come back in (mastectomy). Then there was the 5 months of chemo treatments that killed all of the other cancer "seeds" (as my doctor calls them) that were sent throughout my whole body while I had cancer. The scars are healing. My nails are almost grown out. My hair is coming back. I'm on the mend. I'm trying to get back to the way things were before cancer. BUT. There are days when I think the cancer will probably come back. Days when I know that's what I'll die from. It happens to so many people.. 3, 4, 5, 20 years later. I try not to think about it, but it's there in my mind all the time. I know I should just be grateful that the breast cancer is gone, and get on with my life and stop waiting for it to come back. That's easier said than done. Believe me.

I think I'm scared because the only plan my oncologist has for the future is to see me once a year (he'll see me more often for the next two years), and see how I'm feeling. Huh? He says that IF I have a cough that won't go away, or an ache in a muscle that won't clear up, THEN we'll do some testing. Wow. That's just... stupid, insane. Especially when I was HER2 positive (fast-growing, super cancer, remember?). I need to do some research. I'm not sure if HER2 is something that is always there, or if it is completely cleared up with the Herceptin I'm taking. I don't know.

So, no mammogram, obviously. No MRI (that doesn't really work on my chest anyway - but it probably does on the rest of my body). No scans. Nothing. Until I'm already sick. Huh. So, if the cancer comes back, and there is no testing, then won't it be really far advanced when we find it?! YES. It. will. I just know it. Why can't I have some kind of full body scan every year?

I don't want to die from cancer. I don't want to die at all. I want to send my last three sons on missions. I want to see them come home and get married. I want to watch as they succeed in life. I want to play with my grandbabies. I don't want to leave Rick. I don't want to leave anyone.

See what I mean? I'm thinking about stupid things. I know I should be grateful that the cancer was caught so early and that it is gone. I know there are other cancer patients who are much worse off than I ever was. I know all this. But, my mind still goes there in quiet moments. IF... THEN... Yeah, right.

Post Cancer Wishing

2009-06-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

I have a good idea, but no money to make it happen!

I wish I had a personal trainer that would help my post-cancer body get back into shape. Someone who knows the limitations that the mastectomy put on my body. Someone who knows what having chemo does to a body. Someone who specializes in helping cancer patients recover. And after I recover, I think it would be a great idea to open a gym just for cancer survivors. That's my good idea. I wish I could help other people recover. Wish there was a money tree in my backyard! Wish, wish, wish...

We agonize over cancer...

2009-06-10T19:13:00.001-07:00

Today I was surfing through some quotes about cancer, and I read this one:

"Women agonize... over cancer; we take as a personal threat the lump in every friend's breast." ~Martha Weinman Lear, Heartsounds

It's true! As soon as I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I felt like I needed to make sure my sister, my mom, and my friends were all ok. My mom and sister both had testing done. Everything was a-ok. Then, my friend, Leslie, had a needle biopsy done to check on a lump. Everything was a-ok. Phew! Then, my friend, LoriAnne, got a "call-back" letter after she had a mammogram. The wait for an appointment was agonizing. I didn't want to let her know how worried I was, so I tried to be upbeat and tell her not to worry until she absolutely had to. (That was stupid advice, I admit). But, everything turned out a-ok. Double phew!

Every time someone I know goes in for a mammogram, I seem to hold my breath until the results come back. Is this what having breast cancer has done to me? Made me a nervous wreck? Yeah, probably. It's ok, though. I'd rather be hyper-aware, than unaware. I hope that what happened to me helps my friends and family be hyper-aware too. Being proactive is what saved my life. Know your body. Be aware of changes and then have those changes checked out. Breast cancer is getting to be too normal. Today, when I was at the hospital having blood drawn, I counted no less than 4 other women without hair! I only saw a total of about 20 people, so 5 out of 20 was incredible! They all looked like me - with their hair just starting to grow back. I hope they are all on the road to recovery.

Here's an idea that I've found on several other cancer blogs: do a self-exam on the 15th of every month. I'll try to remind you, ok? If you don't know how to do an exam, go to my sidebar on this blog and find the picture of the self exam and click on it. That will take you to a page that explains how to do the exam. Do it - it could save your life!

Slowing Me Down

2009-06-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

Back in April, I wrote about being sore all over. I'm still very sore. It seems to be getting worse. Almost every muscle and every joint in my body hurts. The last two days, especially, have brought foot pain. It's hard to walk and by nighttime, my feet and legs are in so much pain I can hardly sleep. In fact, it was 2:30 am this morning before I was able to fall asleep. I wish the pain would go away, because it's really slowing me down. I thought if I started to exercise - walking every day - it would start to get better. But, it seems to be worse after I exercise. I wish that wasn't the case. It's hard to even want to go walk when I know I'll just hurt more when I'm through. I went to the foot doctor the other day because my toenail had to be removed (because it turned black, due to chemo) and he asked me how I'm doing. I told him about the aches and pains. I used to work for this doctor, so I really trust him. He wondered if my oncologist had given me any anti-inflammatory medication. I told him no, and so he gave me some. I'm going to start taking them every day. I've also started to take my husband's vitamins. My sister, Kris, gave me a bottle of Seven (google it) and I'm going to take it twice a day. I'm hoping that these three things, and walking, will help me control the aches. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I never thought that 10 months later I would feel this awful. I thought that when I finished with chemo, things would get better - that chemo was the worst of it. It's hard to get going again with my life when I'm still not feeling well. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, however. Several people I talked to, who have had cancer and chemo, have told me that this will last for about a year and then things will get better. A year is a long time. It's difficult to get back to taking care of my family and back to work when things hurt. But at least it will get better at some point. Has anyone else (previous cancer patients) had these problems?

What - no Victoria Secret bra shopping?!

2009-05-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I tried to buy a bra this week. Because my new foobs are not quite the right shape, I thought I could get a bra that would (with the help of "push-up" technology) push them into the correct shape and place.

NOPE.

They don't actually MOVE! And, because they aren't the regular "cone" shape of a real breast (they are round and flat on top), they don't fill out a bra.

I'm really annoyed. Now I have to return the stupid bra.

Stupid foobs.

Everything Just Came Crashing Down...

2009-05-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

I had a few weeks, since my last post, to get used to my new chest (and to think a little bit about my reaction). Let me explain...

I had a mastectomy 8 months ago. It was pretty darn traumatic, just like any amputation would be. But, I kept thinking about the reconstruction. It's really the only thing that helped me focus and not lose my freakin' mind. And, I've been through quite a lot since last October. Again, I had that "light at the end of the tunnel" (the reconstrucion) to get me through all the crap that was chemo, expanders, etc. So, I have to tell you, when I looked in that mirror after the doctor took my bandages off, and I saw what I looked like, everything just came crashing down on me - all the horrible things I'd been through... the breast cancer diagnosis, the biopsies, the mastectomy, the chemo treatments, the sickness, the expanding, the pain, the helplessness, the medications, everything. I realized that I'd just been barely getting by without completely going mad - all because I knew that at the end, I'd look normal again. So, you can maybe understand why I reacted the way I did.

I've had some time to kind of analyze my feelings. First of all, why were my expectations so high? Why did I think I'd look completely normal? Well, I think when you're faced with something like a mastectomy, and a doctor tells you it would be best to do it to save your life, and he can rebuild you, then maybe you grab on to the smallest flicker of hope you can. "I can do this awful, monstrous thing because I know that everything will be ok in the end." And then, I didn't let everything that happened to me touch me too deeply, because a) I would have been in a pit of dispair if I let it get to me, and b) it was going to be OK at the end.

The fact is, my expectation was WAAAYYYYY out of line. How could I possibly be put back together and look really good? I mean, if you have to have your leg or arm cut off to save your life, the doctors can do the very best job possible and it still won't be normal. You still will never look right. Why did I think that it would be any different with a chest? I don't know. I think, subconsciously, I was just protecting myself. "It's ok - everything will be just fine." Kind of like you'd talk someone from jumping off the roof of a building - I just talked my mind out of jumping.

I'll be seeing my plastic surgeon again on Monday. I'm doing ok. I'm healing just fine. I've been massaging the implants, trying to get them to soften up and drop down where they'll look the best. We'll wait 2 months, and then look at everything again. I know my doc won't let me be dissatisfied. He'll make me look as good as possible.

I look ok from the outside of my clothes. The only two people who will ever see the imperfections and scars are me and Rick. And we're ok with it. I'm alive. I got through a crappy illness. I'm starting to be myself again, physically and mentally.

I'm happy.

Not What I Expected

2009-05-06T16:17:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I updated this blog. As you all know, I had the reconstruction surgery last Friday. I've been in too much pain since then to even think about this blog. Here's what happened...

When I got to the hospital, everyone seemed to be so happy for me. This is a "happy surgery" apparently. To be honest, I was pretty excited. The nurse was an older lady who was very nice, but had helmet hair - meaning, her hair looked like a huge helmet on her head (remember Dark Helmet on Space Balls? Yeah.) When she left the room for a minute, I said to Rick, "She's mocking me with that hair!" Hee, hee. I told her that I couldn't have blood pressure taken or any IVs on my left arm (because of lymph node removal) and I thought she'd get some kind of color-coded bracelet for me to wear (that's what the other two hospitals did - silly me for thinking that!). Nope. She found a surgery pen on the table and said, "Let's just make sure everyone knows that", and then wrote it in BIG letters on my left arm. I still can't get it off! My left arm says... "NO IV's B/P this arm". Whatever. Then we proceeded to wait. For about two hours. Apparently, they scheduled me wrong. Finally, Dr. came in and drew lines all over my chest - "this is what I'll be doing, etc. etc.). He waved goodbye and I went into the holding area. The nurses and anesthesiologist were joking around and then I don't really remember much after that. They obviously gave me weird meds, because everything is blurring from that point on (it's better that way).

When I woke up in my room I was on morphine and other good stuff. Rick stayed for quite awhile, but then went home and I slept. I, of course, had one of those stupid compression bras on and it was pretty uncomfortable. But, I will admit... it was such a relief to have those expanders out. I looked down at my now-sized-large-C chest and didn't see much of anything. Panic. Wait a minute, did they forget to put the implants in?! What the heck?! Now, before my surgery, I realize that maybe I had unrealistic expectations about what my new boobs would look like. That said, I'll continue...

Everything was pretty painful, but probably not as bad as the last surgery (mastectomies). Although, when you are 'in the moment', you can't really remember how bad anything else felt. I had a pain pump in, too. For some reason, it started hurting quite a lot under my breasts - kind of around my rib cage. I stayed the night (pretty miserable - you know how crappy it is in the hospital) and by morning time the pain was worse. Why was I even in pain, when I was on morphine and percocet at the same time?! The nurse called the doctor and he said that didn't sound right - he told her to open up the bra and see what was going on. She did and there was immediate relief. But, you could see by the imprint of the bra in my skin, that they had put a way too small bra on me. Ouch! Ok, so at this point, the bandages were still on, so I couldn't really get a good look, but I wasn't seeing any C sized anything! We got a bigger bra, and then I felt well enough to go home that day.

I left in the afternoon and when I got home things were fine. I stayed on the medicine, but the pain started again. I kind of pulled the bra away from my chest and look down and saw that the pain pump had started to leak blood - lots of it - under the tape - underneath my breast area. Ok, this story is getting too long and detailed. Suffice it to say, I made it to the post-op visit on Monday in tons of pain and not too freakin' happy.

Here's where the title of this post comes in. Flashback: a couple of months ago, the doctor wanted to know how big to make the breasts. I said "Oh, maybe a big C, small D". I had found a picture of the boobs I wanted, so I gave him the picture. He said, and I quote, "You can't have these boobs". Why not?! "Well, this woman has breast tissue with implants underneath. You have no breast tissue. Your boobs won't look like this." I should have taken the hint and figured it out for myself. But, I guess I was just in denial. I'd been waiting so long to be reconstructed, I just didn't want to think about the outcome. Back to the present: So, when the doctor took the bandages off, well, it just wasn't what I expected. It took lots of self-control (not something I have much of lately) to not just burst out sobbing. First of all, before I make any kind of judgment, I'm supposed to wait two months so the implants can "settle". Right now everything it still swollen from the surgery. Nothing looks good. I said, "Oh, I thought I'd be bigger". Doctor said: "I told your husband that's the first thing that would come out of your mouth when the bandages came off." And this is how he explained it (which, if I would have thought about it before, would have made perfect sense and would have changed my expectations)... Breasts are kind of cone-shaped. The implants are round and flat. If you have no breast tissue, then you won't have breasts that are normal shaped. So, in the last few days, I thought about this, and I can see that it makes perfect sense. But, I swear, those photos of reconstruction that I saw beforehand in his office looked fine. I don't know. I am really happy with the sculpting he did underneath my arms and I'm almost sure it will start to look better soon.

Um, I guess all I can say right now is... nothing is as good as you expect it to be: Disneyland (hot, long lines), swimming (water-logged, chlorine), job (long hours, problem clients), an acre of land (too much grass to mow, expensive to landscape), graduation (have to grow up, get a job), new car (high insurance, that first scratch), new boobs after mastectomy (I guess I'm just happy that something is there).

Recovery

2009-05-04T06:37:00.000-07:00

Doing ok with the recovery from reconstruction surgery. The thing that hurts the most is underneath the breast area. It's because the compression bra they put on is so tight and it's pressing on the area where the pain pump tubes go into my skin. So, I'm bleeding from that area (underneath the tape) and last night it started to leak out and so I've got leaking blood soaking my shirt. How annoying. All is well, though, because I get the pain pump taken out today and maybe even the bra thing. Yay!! The incisions are about 6 inches long I think. I tried to sleep on my side last night. Big mistake. It only hurts when I put pressure on the incisions. This is all a good thing, though, because now I have boobs. I'm pressed pretty flat now, so I can't tell what they'll look like. I got the biggest implant they make (800 CCs), which should make me look like a large C I think, but I'm all nervous that I won't be big at all. I'm stressed about that. Hopefully that's not true. I guess the worst part is waiting to see what it will look like.

One More Day...

2009-04-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how I feel about this - there's just one more day before my reconstructive surgery. I'm getting nervous. I've had way too many surgeries in the last 9 months (this one makes 6). So, I guess it should be a piece of cake, but it never is. Rick will be the only one at the hospital with me tomorrow. When I had my mastectomies, everyone was there - my parents, Rick's parents, I think my sister was there - I think they all were very worried about the outcome. This time is different I guess. I'm not sure how - maybe it's that this isn't going to be as hard mentally. It's a good thing that's happening. The surgery will be just as hard - they'll cut my chest open just like last time. In fact, they'll go way back under my arms, in order to remove excess skin and fat that was left from last time. So, I think it's going to hurt just as bad. But, that's ok. Rick is the only one I really need to be there. He'll probably be happy that he's by himself, so he can read or whatever. ;-) I'm hoping I won't stay more than a day or two. I won't have drains - that alone makes it so much better. I hated those drains. The doctor won't be using the same scars - he'll be cutting more on the side and back under my arm. So, after tomorrow, my scar count on my chest will be (drumroll, please........) 9! One from the lymph node surgery, two on the front from the mastectomies, two underneath from the drains, two on the sides from this surgery and two under the arms from this surgery. Wow. For once, my chest will look worse than my stomach (my stretch marks are pretty wicked). Oh well, medicine isn't perfect, but at least I can be rebuilt, they have the technology.... ok, for a minute there I was feeling like the bionic woman. ;-)

Wish me luck. We'll take before and after pics. I won't post them here (sometimes my boys read this blog!) but if anyone wants to see the difference, let me know and I'll email them. If you have to go through this, it really does help to see pictures. I'll have an unveiling for my girlfriends (I can just see their eyes rolling now. Hee, hee.)

Sayonara man chest! Hello, boobs!

A New Season

2009-04-28T21:19:00.001-07:00

First, let me update you... I just had my pre-op visit today with my plastic surgeon. Before I got called back to talk to him, I saw another woman in his waiting room. She obviously was getting over a bout with cancer - her hair was just coming back in. She seemed really happy and I wondered if she was going to have reconstructive surgery, too. When my doctor came in to talk to me, he told me that she just had reconstructive surgery last Thursday. I was amazed! No way!! She seemed fine. After just 5 days. No one brought her - she drove herself and she had a huge smile on her face. So, I guess that I'll have to change my skeptical attitude about how long the doctor said it would take to get better. If this woman is any indication of how I'll feel in a week, then he was right! Anyway, we talked about what he was going to do and how long it would take, etc. I'm feeling pretty good about the surgery. 3 days to go.

As I was writing a blog post on my other site (mystorymoments.blogspot.com), I got thinking about spring and how much I love it, and why. It's a time for renewal. My diagnosis came during a season where everything dies and becomes dormant - the fall and winter of last year. Just like the winter season, my cancer journey seemed to drag on until I thought it would never end. It's a wonderful gift to me that I'm starting to bloom again, just like the trees and flowers outside coming back to life. I'm thinking now about the different seasons and - not just the outside seasons - but the seasons of our lives. There seem to be seasons within the seasons of our lives. Right now I'm in the summer of my life, but experiencing winter and spring within that summer. Does that make sense? This cancer journey has been a hard thing to go through. I'm just glad that I get to see a bunch more seasons come and go. And I have hope that I'll make it to the winter of my life.

Boobless No More

2009-04-26T13:58:00.000-07:00

Today starts my last boobless week. In 5 days, I go under the knife and will hopefully come out of the surgery with a nice rack. I'm pretty nervous. My doctor told me (and his nurse backed it up) that this surgery won't be as bad as the mastectomies. My husband said that it's probably like childbirth - you forget just how awful the pain and recovery is, and so agree to do it again! He said this because I told him that from what I can remember, the mastectomy wasn't that bad. Huh?! Yeah, go ahead and say it - I've got Chemo Brain! The chemo must have affected that part of my brain that really remembers just how awful that whole experience was. Actually, I don't think I believe what my doctor is telling me. I'm pretty sure it's going to be a crappy surgery and it will take longer than the "overnight" in the hospital to be ready to come home. Yes. He told me that I'd only have to stay overnight. Right. I stayed 5 days in the hospital after the mastectomy. The hospital is the only place I get to have morphine. My best friend is morphine. I'm pretty sure that I'll be staying longer than one day. In fact, I'll throw a huge fit if they make me leave! Oh, and you'll love this - the nurse actually said that I could probably go home the night of the surgery if I wanted to. Who in the hell would want that? Geez!

So, my life as an A-cup girl will now be over and I'll start the rest of my life as a large C-cup/small D-cup babe! Ok, admit it... if you had the opportunity to get a FREE boob job, you'd opt for way bigger too. And if you say "nuh, uh" I'll have to call you a liar. There have been a few people who have tried to tell me that I'll hate being big. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!!! Hold on for a minute while I laugh hysterically...

Ok, done. Now, let's start this countdown thing... Oh, and if you want to come visit me in the hospital, I'd love to see you. Of course, since I'll be on morphine, I won't remember you came, but that's ok. Or, you can just tell me later that you visited me and since I won't remember, you'll score a brownie point without having to do the work. :-)

One more thing... just to make you a little jealous... I won't ever have to wear a bra again! Seriously! Can you just imagine the huge smile that is plastered on my face right now? I'll be perky forever. I'll be a perky 80-year-old. Wait, that's kind of a disturbing thought. Scratch that. Let's just end with I'll be perky forever.

What's wrong with me? July 2008

2009-04-25T21:17:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to go back and document my entire cancer journey. I didn't start blogging about it until 4 months into the journey, when I cut my hair off. So, here is the start of my breast cancer journey...

In July of 2008, I became very sick. I was having some bad pains in my lower body and just didn’t feel very good. Earlier in the year, I had a bladder/kidney infection, and I felt the same way, so I thought that’s what was wrong with me. I went to see the doctor because I knew I’d need an antibiotic to clear the infection up. I didn’t get to see my regular doctor. The doctor who was working at the time thought it was a bladder infection and gave me an antibiotic to help. The infection cleared up, but 3 weeks later it came back. So I went back to the doctor's office. He asked me when I had last had a pap smear. I told him in had been 3 years (right before my hysterectomy). He suggested I have that done so we could see if there was a different problem. I decided that I should probably have a mammogram, too. It had been 3 years since my last one as well. It was just kind of an afterthought - it had nothing to do with the problem I was having (which I thought had something to do with my cervix). So, they did the pap smear and found that my cervix was quite inflamed and gave me some more antibiotics. Then a few days later they did a mammogram. A few days after the mammogram, I got a letter that said they had seen something on the mammogram - there were some white spots back by the chest wall and they wanted a better look. It made me very nervous – ok, let’s be honest, it made me scared.

Before going back for a second mammogram, I had an appointment with a gynecologist to discuss the problem I was having with the pain and infection of my cervix. While talking to him, I mentioned receiving a letter that suggested I have a second mammogram. He told me that it was very normal to get those letters. That it happened all the time. In fact, his wife had received one of those letters and when she went back, everything was fine. He said that most of the time there is nothing wrong. So, he made me feel better about it. I wasn’t as scared.

When I got to the hospital for the second mammogram, I got ready and went into the mammogram room. I hate having mammograms. They are very uncomfortable. I asked the technician if she could show me the first mammogram films so that I could see the white spots. She showed me and said that we were lucky that they had even shown up, because they were so far back against the chest wall. She took some more pictures. It really hurt.. I remember the techs were feeling bad and kept apologizing. They had to pull my breast super far away from my chest and they use some attachments that really hurt. After the radiologist looked at the pictures, he called me back to talk about it. He showed me that there was a large group of white spots, called calcifications, in my left breast. He felt that it would be smart to get a biopsy done - just in case there was something called DCIS there. DCIS is ductal (in the milk ducts) carcinoma (any cancer of the skin or tissue) in situ (Latin for in its original place). He said that if it was DCIS, it would be smart to cut it out of there, because if it’s left, it can grow into invasive cancer. So, I made an appointment to see a surgeon. The journey begins…

After this all happened, I began to realize that had I not kept getting infections in the cervix, I would never have gone in to be checked, never would have decided to get a mammogram, and never would have found the calcifications. I started to see God’s hand in my life – it really was a miracle that we found the calcifications. This was the start of many miracles to come.

What's going on?

2009-04-10T10:44:00.000-07:00

So, today I'm not feeling well. It's only been 3 days since my surgery on the parathyroid gland that they took out, so I'm sure that's some of the reason I don't feel well. My neck hurts, but that's normal when it's been cut open. What is really bothering me is that my whole body hurts. I'm not sure why. Every joint and every muscle in my body is sore. It's been like this since my last chemo treatment. I don't know why. Next week is my next Herceptin treatment and I have an appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Bott. So, hopefully he'll be able to tell me what's going on.

One more thing - I'm worried about some things that are going on during the night. I have to go to the bathroom all the time. Like, 6 times a night. Weird. And I am really thirsty - so thirsty that I can't even swallow - whenever I wake up. These are warning signs for diabetes. Wouldn't that just be the icing on the top of my "cake"?!

It's probably nothing - just side effects from the medicines that I'm taking or something. I hate how having cancer makes you question every single thing that goes on in your body.

Hope I feel better soon. The good news - my hair is growing back pretty fast. It's about 1/4 inch long now. And it's coming in dark. That makes me very happy.

Blessed...Lucky...Loved

2009-04-05T14:20:00.001-07:00

I am so lucky. I'm a little emotional today, so can't write much. Just wanted to say how lucky I feel. How blessed and loved I feel. I love this life. More later...

STUPID...!

2009-04-02T12:36:00.000-07:00

FYI: Check out this blog: http://cancerspot.org/2009/04/02/what-breast-cancer-looks-like-kara/. I am featured on there today - what I think cancer looks like - with pictures.

So, today is not a good day. I'm pissed. I woke up this morning to find that I have another infection under yet another finger nail. I can't believe this! One of the side effects of chemo is that it can (but might not) make you lose your nails. I've had really nice nails for about 6 years. My normal nails are very weak and they curl under, so when I started back to work several years ago, I decided to have my nails done. I don't have fake nails. They are my real nails - they just have acrylic on top to make them stronger. It just happens to be pink and white acrylic, so it does look like I have tips on, but I don't. Here's a picture of the way my nails looked right after I started chemo, 5 months ago. (Ignore the hair - that's the day my hair started falling out in clumps and we shaved it).

Anyway, the nurses told me that I might want to get the acrylic taken off, because they were worried about me getting fungus under my nails. I think they meant infection, not fungus. Anyway, I couldn't just take the acrylic off - it would have torn my nails off too. So, it stayed on. Nothing bad happened until about halfway through chemo. After the 3rd chemo, my nails became really sensitive. My friend, who does my nails, Wendy, pointed out the discoloration and bleeding whenever she tried to file them. Yeah - they hurt, but what was I supposed to do? I had my last chemo and no sign of infection (or fungus). Then, about 3 weeks after that last chemo, I woke up one morning to find my middle finger on the right hand was yellow under the nail (and it hurt like crazy). Ew! I went to have my nails done that day, and as Wendy filed on that nail, it popped open and pus poured out. Gag! GROOOOOOOSSSSSSSS! We got all of it out and then wondered what we should do about the rest of the nails. We decided to file most of the acrylic off and just let them grow out and try to recover. So, that's what they've been doing. I used nail polish on them to hide the gross look of them, so I didn't notice that another nail was looking bad, until this morning when I took the polish off. I've had to keep putting bandaids on the nail that was infected before, because this week it started to lift up and I keep catching it on things. The problem is that it's still hooked on at the base. I don't know how to get it off, unless I resort to some form of primitive nail torture and pulled it out with tweezers. (Are tweezers a primitive tool?!) Well, you guessed it - that's NOT going to happen, so I'll just keep it on with this lovely, fashionable bandaid until it falls off by itself. Now I've got an infection in the nail next to the first one, and it HURTS like hell. The problem is, I can't seem to get the infection to come out. I think I might need to go to the doctor and get another antibiotic. He'll probably used another form of nail torture and shove a sharp object under the nail to release the infection. Oh, I just can't think about it. Maybe I'll go tomorrow. Here are pictures of my nails now (gross):

That last picture reminds me of another thing I'm angry about - I can't get my damn wedding ring on! For the first time in 23 years! This sucks!

To top off the nail episode, I had to go for the pre-op visit to the nose and throat specialist that will be doing my parathyroid surgery next Tuesday. Ok, I don't have anything against this doctor - I'm sure he's a nice guy. I just don't like him. Maybe it's because I'm so annoyed at having to go under the knife again. I have to have a stupid, annoying, poopy surgery right in the front of my neck. I'm sure that scar will be just lovely. Why surgery? I asked him that today. He said that if I have elevated levels of calcium (which I do, because of this stupid little parathyroid thing), I can have all sorts of complications. Like what? I asked. After reminding me that we had already talked about this last week, he told me (again) about kidney stones and other yucky things (see, I've forgotten again). I didn't feel bad making him repeat himself - after all, I had to get something out of this stupid, unnecessary visit (if he already told me all of this last week, why did I have to come back in again - he must need to make a payment on his boat!).

Oh man, I'm having a rotten day. I'm just mad at everyone and everything. I hate cancer, chemo and my stupid, idiotic parathyroid gland (or whatever the hell it is). To make my day even worse, he reminded me that ALL surgeries have risks. Bleeding, infection, blah, blah, blah. Apparently this surgery has the added risk of the doctor accidentally damaging some nerve or something that goes to the voice box (if he's not careful). So, will he be careful? I sure hope so.

Stupid nails. Stupid surgery. Stupid doctor. Stupid chemo. Stupid cancer. Stupid day.

There, I'm through.

So Sore...

2009-04-01T19:03:00.000-07:00

This last Monday, I had my final "fill" in the expanders. My sis, Kristin, took me to get the fill - mostly because I'm such a baby when I see those needles headed for my chest. The port in the left expander is on the top - easy to get to and not too painful to fill. The port in the right expander has shifted to almost in my armpit. It's always more painful to fill. This time was excruciating. I'm not sure what happened - maybe the needle hit a nerve or went through a sore spot in a muscle - but when Doc stuck the needle in, pain shot through my whole side. It hurt like hell. I'm so glad I don't have to go back for more fills. I don't think I could face another needle.

I think I've reached the limit of how far the muscles and skin in my chest can possibly stretch. I have 900 CCs of saline in each expander! I can hardly move. I am in so much pain. I'm really happy that I don't have to wait for 6 months for the reconstructive surgery (like we originally thought I would), because there is no way I could handle this stretched chest for that long. If I was really brave, I'd post a picture of my chest here. It looks quite amazing - HUGE and hard as rocks. But, I'm not that brave. :-)

One month - May 1st. I can't wait. I know this surgery will be painful and not easy to recover from, but ANYTHING is better than these expanders. I think it will be such a relief to have these out and have soft silicone put in. I hope the next 30 days fly by.

Just a Little Update on the Cancer Journey...

2009-03-24T09:16:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel much better now. It's been almost 7 weeks since my final chemo treatment. The first 3-4 weeks after that last chemo were pretty bad. I became tired and sick much faster than I ever have before. But, now I'm starting to feel like I have more energy. I've stopped taking the anti-nausea medications. Don't need them anymore - good news, since they make me soooo tired. I started walking in the American Fork Cemetery (my favorite place to walk) last week and I have to say, it has really helped my energy level. Bummer that it's FREEZING right now - I'm not quite to the point where I'll walk in freezing weather. :-) I still have a few yucky side effects from the chemo. Mostly, my nails - they are really trashed. All of them have dark streaks running through the nail beds. I had to have the acrylic taken off of my nails - the only thing that makes them strong - because I got an infection under one of them. My finger tips hurt a lot and they are also kind of numb. Weird. My mouth still tastes a little metallic, but I am now able to drink milk - YAY!!! I haven't been able to have a regular glass of milk for 5 months!

I still go every 3 weeks for my Herceptin treatment, but since there are no side effects with that medication, I don't have to worry about feeling crappy. Awhile ago, after my chemo doc looked at some of my blood tests, he told me that my calcium levels were very high. I'm not sure what that really means, or if it was caused by either the cancer or chemo. But, I saw an endocrinologist about it. She scheduled a para-thyroid scan and a bone density scan. The bone density scan was fine - good news, the chemo hasn't hurt my bones. But, the parathyroid scan showed a small tumor (not cancerous) on one of the parathyroids. So, now I have to have a surgery where they slice open my neck (in the front - right in the hollow) and take that parathyroid out. The scar will be anywhere from 1 inch to 3 inches long. Yikes! I have to have that done soon - April 7th. The recovery shouldn't be too bad or take too long. So I have that lovely little procedure to look forward to. I'll have to stay in the hospital overnight so they can monitor the bleeding in my neck and so they can check the calcium levels. Sigh.

As far as the chest expanding goes - it's almost done. I've been expanded to 720cc- the biggest implant they make is 800cc - so I'm pretty much where I need to be. (And no, that doesn't mean that I'll be HUGE - remember, I have zero breast tissue, so the implant is going under pretty much nothing but skin and muscle.) Now, the doc will do 2 more "fills" of 70cc each, on each side, to expand just a little bigger so the implants will fit well. Today is one of those fills. I really hate the fills. The chest muscles are being stretched so tight, that it really hurts. I'm on pain pills almost constantly now - just one a day, though. It usually hurts the most in the late afternoon and evening - after I've been up all day. I'm such a baby when it comes to facing those HUGE syringes of saline with the scary needles attached, that I have to have either my sis or my BF, Lori, holding my hand. No, seriously. It sucks! Good news is that I'm almost done. So, I get to have the reconstructive surgery probably the first week of May! I can't wait. I know it's probably going to really hurt and take a long time to recover from, but I know I'll also feel relief from the expanders.

Here's a quick laugh for you: My 18-yr-old son, Michael, came home from college this last weekend. He gave me a big hug and then said "Your foobs are hard!" Yep, he called them foobs - fake boobs. I laughed so hard I almost choked! What a dork! (He's right though - it's like I have 2 rocks on my chest!)

That's it for the cancer update. I know I've promised to go back and document the journey from the first. I'm still planning on doing that. It's just hard to think about and read my notes from that time - very emotional. I'll get it started soon though. It's actually a very interesting journey.

I haven't said it for a long time, but it is still true... cancer SUCKS!

The Past and Pending

2009-03-06T09:41:00.000-08:00

I asked my son Alex to come up with a name for this blog and he came up with The Past and Pending - a Shins song title. It has nothing to do with this blog, but it sounds cool.

Several things have happened in the last few days to make me feel happy. Yesterday, as I was driving south on I-15 in Utah Valley - towards Provo - I realized what an incredibly beautiful day it was. There is nothing like a sunny Utah day - one that comes after a stormy day. The stormy weather clears the air and it's breathtaking - the mountains, covered in snow, are majestic and it just makes you feel so good. So, because I was feeling great, while I was driving to Provo, I started thinking about the good things that have happened that make me happy. I'm kind of tired of being sick, upset, tired, etc. from the cancer, so I've decided to try to be happy and grateful instead. Hmmm....no wonder I feel good!

First of all, I'm through the hardest part of this cancer journey. Finally, I'm through with the chemo. And I'm actually starting to feel better than I've felt for months. In fact, this morning I went for a short walk! Something I haven't been able to do for 8 months. Then, yesterday, I noticed some stubble on my legs. Now, this might sound like bad news to you, but to me it's great! It means that my hair is starting to grow back. I shaved my legs in October and haven't had to shave them since then!

My baby, Matthew, turned 12 this week. He was the last kid to be in both primary (in church) and elementary school. It was a big step for our family. I'm excited for him, but it was kind of bittersweet. I'll have to blog about that some other time.

The thing that has made me those most happy this week is that my missionary son comes home in two weeks. I've been thinking about him every day and it just keeps getting closer. I can't wait. I haven't seen him in 2 years. And I've only talked to him on the phone 4 times.

Yesterday, I was reading a new blog that I'm following and the blogger is so positive and such a good writer. It made me really want to be happy and improve myself. So, here are a few goals I'm going to try to accomplish:

I'd like to be more positive. Even if I'm not feeling great, I'm going to try not to tell anyone that. I think people are just tired of hearing how sick I am. :-) I know I am. I'm feeling great. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling ok. Those are now my only responses. Although, I reserve the right to complain a little after my reconstructive surgery.

I'd like to do a few things each day that will contribute to my recovery and help to make me feel better. I'll try to walk each day. I'll try to remember how much I've been craving water for the past 5 months and drink lots of it every day. I'll try to eat fewer fast food meals and more fruits, veggies, and other good stuff.

I'd like to help my skin to recover. Most especially, the skin on my face. So, I'm going to go find some really good anti-aging type lotion and use it every day. Wrinkles and brown spots - watch out!

And finally, I'd like to become a better blogger. I had a hard time sleeping last night because I was thinking of different things I could blog about. I want to blog about a different thing each day of the week. I'm still working on the schedule, but some of the subjects are: a Family Home Evening lesson (Sundays), a Book of Mormon post or a missionary post (Mondays), My Cancer Journey and Cherish Bound stuff (Tuesdays), Almost Wordless Wednesday (highlighting some of my sons' photographic skills), Book Review - probably on childrens books, because I have such a huge collection of them (Thursdays), Helpful Fridays (things like recipes, quotes, tips, etc), and then on Saturdays you'll get an update on each family member. Phew! I'm really excited to start!

Just writing this blog made me feel good. If you'd like to check out the blog I was reading that motivated me, look under my Blogs That Rock on this page and it's called C Jane Enjoy It.

Oh, one more goal: ever since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I've been wanting to share my story with other people, in the hopes that I can help someone. I would absolutely love to be able to speak to groups of women about the importance of early detection of breast cancer. So, I'm going to work on a presentation and make sure my information is all updated and figure out what I would share. I think it would be good to start with the womens' group in the LDS church, since that's who I'm surrounded by here in Utah. If you know of a group that would want to hear my story, let me know. I can't wait to start helping other people.

Have a great day!

Cancer Scars

2009-03-05T13:18:00.000-08:00

I’ve got to get something off of my chest – not trying to be funny there. I’m angry. I was looking in the mirror after I got out of the shower the other day. I got angry just looking at all the scars. I’m so tired of the scars. They are ugly. You know, I’ve got lots of scars. There are the scars you can see and the ones you can’t see. Cancer leaves the ugliest scars.
There are the scars on my chest:
I’ve got one that is about 2 inches long where the surgeon took out some lymph nodes. There is the scar where I had my two biopsies. That one is no longer there because it was cut off when I had a double mastectomy. But, I still see it. There are my mastectomy scars – just horizontal lines where something else used to be. I’ve got two small scars from the drains that were left in after my last surgery. And then there are the upcoming scars – from my reconstructive surgery and the one I’ll have when they take out my IV port. I can already see them.
The other scars cancer has left:
The scars on my face – commonly called wrinkles – I have so many new wrinkles that you’d think I’d aged 10 years. These make me particularly angry – I’ve been blessed with my mother’s beautiful skin and now it’s ruined. There are tiny brown spots all over my face and hands as well, reminding me, every time I see myself, that I’ve had cancer.
Sometimes I feel like there is a scar where my mind used to be. I’ve never had a great memory, but this is ridiculous. Believe me, “chemo brain” is real.
The scar that is my bald head. I know that the hair will grow back at some point, but the scar that shaving it off caused will remain in my mind.
The chemo has affected my eyesight – I can feel those “scars” getting bigger by the day.
If I had a dime for every time I’ve been poked with a needle, I’d be rich. Those needle scars are too small to see, but they are there.
And what about the scar that I have from being thrown into early menopause from the chemo – I feel that scar every time I have a hot flash.
There’s even a scar from when I had to stop working. I used to work at a job I love, with people I love. It’s a long scar – 8 months long, and getting longer by the day. Even though I know I’ll get to go back to work, the scar that is ‘lack of work’ is there.
The other night I turned to Rick and said: “Sometimes when I look at myself and see that my chest is gone, I think, “What the HELL??!!! What was I thinking, allowing that to happen? Sometimes I wish I could go back and make a different decision.” And Rick just says, “I know… I know.” And he does. He knows what I’ve been through. He’s been there to help me make every hard decision and to get through every horrible side effect. And I have to say thanks to Rick, for being there to walk me through the scars and help me through the anger.

Side Effects

2009-03-04T16:54:00.000-08:00

It’s been a long, hard week, and it’s only Wednesday morning! I’m sitting in the chemo room at the cancer center, getting Herceptin dripped into my veins. Herceptin doesn’t really have immediate side effects. Just a small headache.

It’s been 3 weeks since my last chemo treatment and I’m feeling ok in the mornings, but by afternoon I’m exhausted and sick to my stomach. I was really hoping that I’d be feeling better than this. I’m a little impatient. In fact, I’ve been wondering why my hair hasn’t grown back by now. :-)

Monday night, I had kind of a break down. At least it was only in front of Rick – not the kids. I was feeling overwhelmed because of my schedule for Tuesday. I was feeling like a loser mom because it was my baby’s 12th birthday (Matthew – my youngest) and I hadn’t even shopped for gifts yet. He was going to wake up in the morning and not have presents to open. I’d just been too tired to go out. Then, I realized that I had a stupid para thyroid scan on Tuesday that would take half the day, and then district science fair, where Matthew’s project needed to be set up (the same time as the dr apt), and the art show at the junior high for Alex. There would be no time at all to do anything for Matthew’s birthday. Plus, just looking at the schedule made me tired. As soon as Rick walked in, I started crying. I’m such a baby! He asked me what was wrong and I couldn’t even find my voice. I just whispered that I’m so tired of being sick and I’m so tired of being tired. I’ve had it. Then I told him about the schedule for the next day and he said “Well, you just can’t do it all. Take something off the schedule.” Ok, what would you take off? The dr. appointment? The science fair? The art show? MATTHEW’S BIRTHDAY?! Geez! Not to mention, I still had shopping for gifts and making a cake. I finally decided to ask for help from my friend Lori (she set up the science fair project – actually Steve and Jeff did – thanks you guys), and to keep Matthew home from school and take him with me – we had a great time, shopping for presents and going to lunch in between scans at the doctor’s. Everything worked out ok – Rick came home early to help with the last part of the science fair and the art show turned out to be tonight instead of last night. I even made the cake and ordered pizza before I completely collapsed from fatigue.

Fatigue is one of the lovely side effects you have from chemo. You know, I’ve just about had it with side effects. When you meet with your oncologist the first time, he’ll tell you about the side effects. I’m pretty sure he told me about not only the immediate side effects, but also about the long term side effects. I just don’t remember much about those long term ones – probably because one of those is what they call “chemo brain” – where your brain basically becomes mush and you forget everything. I’ve been suffering from this particular one almost since I started chemo. I forget everything. I’m amazed that I even remembered that it was Matthew’s birthday yesterday! Other long term side effects – a weakened heart (from the Herceptin), wrinkles, early menopause (which includes hot flashes!). I know there’s more, but I’ve FORGOTTEN what they are! I just know that there will be constant reminders of the beast.

I was watching a short video the other day that my son, Grant, sent home from Japan (where he’s serving a mission). The camera was pointed at a store window and inside was a huge dragon head (one of those that are made from paper), that was moving from side to side while the eyes lit up. All Grant said was “Holy crap – it’s a dragon!” That’s kind of how I feel about the cancer: holy crap – it’s a dragon! And the side effects are the fire that spews forth from it’s mouth.

Here’s where I say that I’m really grateful that there is even a thing called chemo – it’s saving my life. And I know I’m a big whiner, but sometimes, in order to fight the beast, I’ve got to let some feelings out. I’ve got to get things off my chest (literally).

Sayonara to Chemo!

2009-02-12T15:38:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I updated this blog. Sorry everyone. That last chemo session in January hit me like a ton of bricks! I've been pretty sick. The chemo is now hurting my taste buds, so everything tastes gross. I'm really having a hard time eating or drinking.

Anyway, I just had to write and tell everyone that I just had my very last chemo treatment on Wednesday. YAY!!!! I can't believe it's over. I'm so happy. Sick, but happy. My doctor actually told me this time that the chemo leaves my body after about 4 days. I didn't know that. He said the side affects stay for about 3 weeks, so that explains why I'm sick for so long. But, the good news is that my hair should start to grow back in about 3-4 weeks. I'll have a head full of peach fuzz when my missionary son, Grant, comes home in 5 weeks.

Yesterday, at the chemo place, all the nurses were so happy for me. Then my sis, Kris, showed up with my niece, Ellie, and a hand full of balloons (pink hearts and a great big monkey) and a pretty velvet box full of goodies. The nurses sent me home with a bottle of sparkling peach/apple juice. I'll have that when my mouth tastes better. Other patients kept saying things like: "Congratulations" and "Good luck". My mom cried before the chemo started and I cried the second I stepped out of the office. What an emotional day. I just can't quite describe how it made me feel to know that I made it through the chemo and now I'm on the road to recovery. I feel like I've been holding my breath for 6 months and now I can finally breath again. Wow.

I've been under the impression that I have to wait for 6 months after the last chemo to have my reconstructive surgery done. But, yesterday my doctor said no, I can have it done whenever I want. Isn't that great news?! I thought I'd be having it done in September, but now, as soon as we are finished expanding I can have the surgery done. I'm hoping it will all be over by June. I can't wait to get these expanders out! My chest is getting very tight and sore. The doc said that as soon as I decide that I'm at the size I want to be, then he'll expand two more times and then schedule surgery. I've heard that the surgery is really hard, but I think mine won't be quite as painful because I'm still numb all across my chest. Hopefully that will help dull the pain of recovery. I'll actually have one big surgery (to replace the expanders with sicilone implants) and then two smaller surgeries - one to form the nipples and another one to tattoo around that area. I'll just be happy when it's all over.

The only disturbing part about this whole thing is, my doctor said the only way to keep on top of future cancer is follow up visits. There is no test that can help. I'll just have to wait until I have, for instance, a cough that won't clear up, or an ache that won't go away. Then we can check it out. Of course, I'll never have another mammogram (what's the point, right?) no other test will catch anything very early (MRI, CAT, blood tests, etc.). The doctor says it doesn't make him too happy, but all we can do is meet every 3 months for the first two years, then every 6 months for a year, and then every year for the rest of my life. I wish there was a better warning than a cough or an ache. Oh well. I'll just have to keep myself really healthy - lose weight and really start seriouly exercising - and then hope for the best.

I'll try to start the blog posts on everything that led up to when I started this blog. There's alot to tell and hopefully my experience will help others.

Bye for now...
-Kara

Power Surges (Hot flashes)

2009-01-21T22:36:00.000-08:00

Just a quick post about my chemo treatment today. The more chemo that piles up in my body, the more hot flashes I get (or as my husband, Rick, calls them - Power Surges). I seem to remember reading something about chemo putting you into menopause (if you aren't already). I wasn't - I'm 42. Although about 4 years ago, before I had a hysterectomy, I was told that I was in "early menopause". Who goes through menopause at 42??!! I didn't think I'd have to go through this until I was at least 50. Surprise!!!! Ok, when I say "hot flashes", I mean probably, minimum, at least 20 per day. I've started taking my fan that I got at Timpanogos Storytelling Festival (little plug there) with me everywhere. And Alex is getting good at knowing when to pick up a pillow to fan me with. Oh crap, I feel a Power Surge coming on - where is my fan?

Drip....Drip....Drip.... A Chemotherapy Treatment

2009-01-01T19:50:00.000-08:00

For my cancer blog post this week, I thought it would be interesting to blog as I’m receiving my chemo treatment…

I’m here at the Huntsman Cancer Institute (the one in Provo) and I just went in to have my blood work done. I have a port in my chest. It’s a triangle thing that has a stint thing that goes into the big vein in my chest that goes straight into my heart. The port is under my skin, so the IV needle has to poke through the skin. That kind of hurts (a lot), so about an hour before I get the IV, I put this cream stuff on that is a mixture of Lidocaine and Prilocaine. It numbs the surface of the skin so that I can’t feel the needle going in. It’s my best friend during chemo treatments! Anyway, the chemo nurse (Annette this time) prepped the area first. Because it’s a huge vein that goes directly into my heart, it’s really important to make sure that the area is very clean – we don’t want infection going into that vein. So, the nurse swabs the area first with iodine – she does that 3 times. Then she swabs it with alcohol – three times. Then she says, “Take a deep breath”, and she sticks the needle in. Once that is in, she takes blood, and then flushes the IV with saline. Flushing is kind of unpleasant because I get this disgusting taste in the back of my mouth. The only way to describe it is that it tastes like a skunk smells. Yeah, it’s gross. But it only lasts a short time and then goes away. The nurses say that they’ll give me a piece of candy to mask the taste, and I even have candy in my purse for that purpose, but I forget to put it in my mouth EVERY time. I’m back in the waiting room for a minute, waiting to see my doctor, who will check me out, ask me about the side effects that happened with the last chemo treatment, and look at the results from the blood tests. He’ll use all that information to make sure everything is ok, and adjust the drugs if he needs to.

On the way to see the doctor, the nurse makes me stand on the scale. How annoying! I’m not going to tell you how much I weigh. I expected to lose some weight while on chemo, and it’s not happening. The ONE good thing that could come out of all of this isn’t happening. Sigh. *I found out that the reason I’m not losing weight is most likely because I’m on steroids – something I didn’t know. The drug is called Dexamethazone and I thought it was a chemo drug, but it’s actually a steroid that helps with the side effects of chemo (like the skin burning on my hands) and it also helps with nausea. Apparently it’s supposed to make me gain about 15 pounds. I haven’t gained or lost really, so the drug and the fact that I know longer eat dairy, or soda, or even much food, have cancelled each other out. Yay – I think.

My appointment was at 10:00 am and now it’s 12:15 pm. They are really busy today! So, now I’m starting the IV medication. The first thing they give to me is Aloxi, which is an anti-nausea medication (that lasts about 4-5 days) and Dexamethazone, which is a steroid that also helps with nausea. (That’s where is learned about the steroids). Drip….Drip….Drip….

12:40pm – Now the Taxotere has started to drip. Taxotere is one of the two chemo drugs they give me. Taxotere has some nasty side affects. Nausea, of course, but also diarrhea. And just this last treatment, it started to “burn” my fingers and the back of my hands, so my skin is tender and peeling. In fact, the skin on my fingertips has peeled so much that the fingerprint reader on my computer won’t recognize my fingerprint anymore. This med is also bothering my eyes – the skin around my eyes went really red and got sore this last treatment. Drip….Drip….Drip….

I asked if they were going to give me Emend today. That is a really good anti-nausea medication. The nurse went to check… 12:48pm: She just came back and injected the Emend into the IV. For some reason they didn’t have it ordered for me today. I’m glad I asked, because I would have been miserable without that med.

This is taking FOREVER……Aauuugggghhh! We’ve been here for almost 4 hours and I still have two more meds to go.

It’s now about 2:45 and my first med is over. Jeez! They just gave me the second chemo med – Carboplatin – and started the drip way faster than the last one. So, this shouldn’t take too long.

It’s 3:50 – the Carbonplatin is gone and they just started the Herceptin. This is the med that I have dripped every Wednesday. This should only take about 30-45 minutes and then we’ll be finished for the day.

My friends, LoriAnne and Steve Spear surprised me with a short visit. It was nice to see them. They visited during the Taxotere. I was feeling just fine. Mom and I had just had hamburgers and chocolate shakes (my “last meal” before I get sick again) and everything was just great. During the Carboplatin, I started feeling sick. For one thing, I was back in the corner (the room is shaped like a capital letter L). I was packed into the far corner with a ton of other people. For some reason, it’s really busy here today. The nurses are running all over, trying to keep up. I started to get severe hot flashes and my stomach hurts, just below my breast bone. Weird. I finally had to move to a less crowded part of the room – it’s not as hot here (although I just got hit with another hot flash – not sure if it’s because I’m getting chemo or because I’m old. Hmmm.)

The Herceptin just finished. Now they’ll just flush out the IV (more skunk taste/smell – mmmmm), and then they’ll say “Take a deep breath” and they’ll pull my needle out. Mom is out at the desk making my Herceptin appointments for the next two weeks. The last thing that will happen before we leave is that incredibly painful $4000 shot in the stomach. Yay!!!

…OUCH! Cancer sucks.

P.S. On the way home, we tried to get the nausea meds prescription filled – because it’s New Years Eve, all the pharmacies are either closed or out of the medication and we had a difficult time finding it. Kohlers pharmacy came to the rescue 2 minutes after they closed and got me the medication. Now I won’t be as sick for the next two days. The good cancer fairy must be working overtime! J

Pink Elephants On Parade

2008-12-19T17:26:00.000-08:00

Why is the color PINK the color for breast cancer? I hate pink. I look stupid in pink. This has bothered me for awhile, probably because I keep accumulating pink stuff. I have pink shirts, sweatshirts, slippers, and pajamas. I have a pink ribbon for my car (outside) and air freshner (inside), pink hats, hats with pink flowers, pink jewelry (ok, I like the jewelry - who wouldn't), and a cute pink denim jacket (that I had way before breast cancer - but now looks like I got it just because of breast cancer) etc., etc. Why can't the color for breast cancer be beautiful vibrant RED, or a deep yummy PURPLE - or a soothing denim BLUE? I look way better in those colors than I do in pink. In pink, I look like one of those dancing pink elephants on parade from the movie Dumbo. When I wear pink (combined with having no hair) everyone knows I have cancer, and while this comes in handy sometimes (mostly waiting in line at restaurants), it's pretty much just annoying. Pink is the color of Pepto Bismal - which just reminds me of how nauseated I always feel. Red would make me feel much better.

By the way, thanks to everyone who gives me breast cancer stuff. Since pink has already been established as the color for breast cancer, I'll continue to be a billboard to raise awareness. Whoever made pink the color - I just want to know - what were you thinking???? Next time I'm in charge of a decision that important, it's red or purple all the way, baby!

Cancer sucks.

I'm going to be tired ALL of the time? Not acceptable!

2008-12-11T19:40:00.000-08:00

I hate the way Chemo makes me feel. I had my third treatment on Wednesday and I'm soooooo exhausted. If you know me at all, maybe you'll understand why this bothers me so much. Before I was diagnosed with cancer, I went 150% all the time. In fact, it was getting to the point where my family and friends were telling me to slow down. Then cancer hit me, and it's changed my ability to go full blast - or even at a slow crawl. There are a bunch of yucky side affects from chemo - nausea, raw mouth and sores, dry nose and bloody noses, hot flashes and being flushed on my face and neck, diarrhea, etc. - but I think the worst one is being so darn tired all the time. It took me a full day to decorate my Christmas tree. There's something not right with that. I've been reminded time and again about the need for taking care of myself. "Just forget everything else, and take care of yourself - for once". If it was up to me, "taking care of myself" would mean diet and exercise, scripture study, learning new things, etc. Not dealing with cancer. Ok, that's enough of the whining. Other people have it much worse.

I'll end with explaining this picture of the chemo blanket my mom made for me. My mom is my chemo partner and she grosses out whenever I use one of the "public" blankets in the chemo room. She says they are covered with germs. So, she found this really cool fleece fabric with skulls and crossbones all over - very appropriate for chemo (poison). I took it with me for the first time on Wednesday and snuggled under it for the whole day. It was great and my nurse loved it. Thanks Mom!

"Don't drink that poison - it's $4.00 an ounce"

2008-12-07T10:36:00.000-08:00

That quote is by Groucho Marx - when Rick quoted him, I knew I'd found the perfect name for this post, not just because of the price reference, but because chemo is poison. :-)

I've been waiting to write this blog post for awhile. I decided that I would blog about the cost of cancer some time ago, when I found out from the pharmacist that one bottle of nausea medication (30 pills) was costing me (actually, my insurance) $700.00! I take 3 pills a day. That's unbelievable, right? FYI, I take, not 1, but 4 nausea medications. I counted my pill bottles the other day. I have 12 prescriptions (Ondansetron, Promethazine, Cyclobenzaprine, Dexamathasone, Lorazepam, Effexor - just to name a few). I don't take them all right now, but that's quite a bit of money, just in pills. I started to try to figure out how much money, in pills, I was consuming every day and I stopped at around $800. It was making me sick to my stomach and I didn't want to have to take another nausea pill...

A few weeks ago I received a statement from my oncologist's office. It was one of those "this is not a bill" statements - just telling you how much your balance is and that they've billed the insurance. My balance was $25,000! Ok, so this was my balance after one (that's right, ONE) chemo treatment. In the last 4 months I've had 3 surgeries, a CAT scan, a bone scan, an MRI, 2 mammograms, etc. etc. I've had many, many statements and bills to work out. Good thing I've got insurance, right? The hospital bill from the mastectomies, alone, was over $30,000. But this statement from the oncologist really got my attention. Is chemo really that expensive? It's just 3 little bags of liquid for every treatment. So, last week, when I went for my Herceptin treatment (something I get to do every Wednesday), I asked for an itemized statement, so I could see what that $25,000 represented. When they brought the statement to me, it was no longer $25,000 - now the balance was over $40,000! (Deep breathe)

When I saw the cost of my treatments, I just about choked. Here's a list of what it costs, just for the IV medications, every 3 weeks: Carboplatin is $4284.00, Taxotere is $5488.00, Herceptin is $6048.oo (for the first time) and $3024.00 for the rest of the treatments - (I get this one every week for 4 1/2 months and then every 3 weeks for 7 1/2 months). Those are the IV drips. Then, after every chemo treatment, I get a fun little shot in my stomach that costs $4116.00. So, if you add all of that up - it's around $104,496.00 for 6 chemo treatments. The cost of the remaining Herceptin is around $30,000. These cost do not include the blood work that is done every time I go in to get a treatment, or the other "associated" costs, which add up to around $1500.

The cost of cancer is different for every person. Some people have more surgeries, some less. Some have different medications than others. Some people have treatments for way longer than others. For me, the cost of cancer has been around $202,000 so far. That is not including the reconstructive surgery (or any charge at all from the plastic surgeon) that I'll have next year.

For others, the cost of cancer is way higher. I'm not stupid - I know that the insurance companies don't pay nearly that much for my cancer. But, what if I didn't have insurance? There are people out there, with cancer, who don't have insurance. These drugs/treatments are way too expensive. I wish I could help those who struggle with the cost of cancer. I'm lucky enough to have a $1500 out-of-pocket maximum each year, so this will only cost me around $3000 plus copays on hospital/doctor visits and medication. I've given money to cancer fundraisers for years - ever since my grandfather died from Lymphoma. Now that I know, first hand, the cost of cancer, I'll continue to do this - I encourage everyone to help out with any cancer fundraiser. I'll be at the cancer walks next year - I encourage you to be there with me, or participate in one wherever you live. Not only does it help with the outrageous cost of cancer, it will make you feel wonderful. Galatians 6:2 - "Bear ye one another's burdens..." Help out those who are in need.

By-the-way, don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for the medication that has been developed to help me fight this beast. I'm really grateful to the surgeons and doctors who have helped me, and will continue to help me for the rest of my life to monitor the cancer. And I'm especially thankful that Rick has such great insurance. I know that it costs millions of dollars in research alone to fight cancer. I just wish it wasn't so expensive for those who have to pay for this themselves. Cancer sucks!

As The Poison Drips...

2008-11-19T20:15:00.000-08:00

This post will be fast, because I'm already feeling the affects of the chemo treatment I had today. My first chemo made me sick for 10 days. I won't put all of the gruesome details here, because none of you need to know that. Let's just say that today, we tried a new nausea medication - the "latest, greatest" on the market. That, in addition to the other 3 nausea medications will hopefully cut down on the amount of days that I'll be sick. The doc was concerned about a few other things (i.e. those "don't need to know" things I was talking about earlier) and so he lowered my dose of one of the chemo meds - Taxotere. That's a pretty wicked drug. I also take Carboplatin and Herceptin. Those three drugs come after the two nausea drugs. They each take about 30 minutes to 1 hour to drip - one at a time - so we are there for about 4-5 hours. My sweet mom, Barbara, is my chemo partner. She picks me up and takes me there and then stays the whole time. Today, it hit me faster - my mouth was so dry by the time I finished, that it was painful. And I'd already started getting tired by the 3rd bag of stuff. In fact, I can hardly keep my eyes open. I used the numbing creme on my skin above the spot where my port is. Oh, some of you probably don't know that I have a port. It's a small plastic triangle thingy that is under the skin of my upper chest - right below my collarbone. It has a cathether that goes into my big monster vein behind my collar bone. That's where the nurses access my vein for the drippy drugs and blood work. The needles are pretty wicked - OUCH! So, I numb the skin an hour before I go. Then, the nurse pokes a yucky needle through my skin and into the port. Today, it work really well. I didn't even feel the needle at all! Yay! The last thing I "get" to have is a shot in my stomach - can't remember what for. That one hurts. Ouch. So, all in all, the day was pretty good. Now the wait begins to see how it will affect me. I'm already started to feel nauseated, so hopefully the 4 pills I just took will start working and they'll knock me out too. ;-)

Note: if you ever have to go through this and you lose your hair, use a dog-hair remover on the stubble on your head - Alex just did this to my head and it really works! :-) Until I can get out of bed for the next post... say it with me, CANCER SUCKS! You know it!

My First Fill-Up

2008-11-17T11:23:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this day started out with me forgetting that I have no hair. I stepped out of the shower and wrapped my head in a towel to soak up the water from my hair. Ok. Then I realized that I didn't need a whole hour to get ready - it took me less than 1/2 hour. I no longer need a blow dryer, a curling iron, mousse, hair spray, or even a hair dresser! Pretty cool, huh? I'm going to save so freakin' much money. Oh, yeah! I decided that I'd go out today with a hat instead of that hot, itchy wig. So, I picked my cute brown hat that went very nicely with my brown sweater and headed to get my nails done.

There are a few things that I didn't think about when I shaved my head. One is that hats and scarves and headbands, etc., are kind of like those brain squeezers that people put on their babies' heads! Next time I see a baby with one of those silly things, I'm going to pull it off! Because, now I know how they feel. I was very tired of the brain squeezed feeling I had by the end of the day. Another discovery that I made today is that people stare at other people who don't have hair. Even when their head is covered up by a hat. I pulled up to a stop light and glanced over at the car next to me and found that the old man who was driving had turned completely towards me and for some reason his mouth was open! Then, I stopped at another light and looked to my right and the lady in the car, who was caught staring at me, smiled. Hmmmm. For the rest of the day I caught people staring. Kris, my sister, said I was just being paranoid. Uh, NOT!

Besides being my first day out and about with no hair, it was also my first day for a "fill-up". And I don't mean gas in my car! Yep, I got my expanders filled with saline today. Just so you know, I HATE needles and, I swear, if another doctor comes at me with a needle, pointed at my boobs (or rather, my man-chest), I'm going to completely lose my cool. These needles were attached to the biggest syringes I've ever seen - filled with tons of saline. And it all had to be shot into my expanders. And, boy, did they expand! Ouch! Double ouch! I don't really recommend this to anyone. There are easier ways to get a boob job!

It was a great day, though. I didn't have it so bad - my day was easy compared to my hilarious niece, Ellie. She stuck a flower up her nose and had to go to the doctor's office to have it removed. Bwahahahahahaha! I'll take needles in my boobs over flowers up my nose any day!

My Head-Shaving Story Moment

2008-11-16T09:59:00.000-08:00

I've waited for quite awhile before starting this blog. It's my Cancer Blog and to tell the truth, I just haven't wanted to write this next sentence. I have cancer. But, yesterday my head was shaved and I'm well on my way to surviving and I think I can write about the whole thing now.

I'll post parts of my cancer journal to get everyone up to date after this post. For now, though, I'd like to talk about yesterday. I had my first chemo treatment on October 29th and the nurses told me that I'd lose my hair between days 14 and 17. Whatever. Well, day 14 came and went without my hair falling out. I kind of pictured it falling out all at once. For you Harry Potter fans, I pictured it being like the Whomping Willow losing it's leaves in the movie. You know - it loses one leaf that swirls all the way down to the ground and then every single leaf hits the ground all at once! It's pretty funny in the movie. Not so much when it's your own hair. But, that's not what happened.

I had a hard time sleeping from day 14 to day 17, because I kept having nightmares about my hair falling out! I'd wake up in the middle of the night and tug on it, just to make sure it was still there. I really did hold a small hope in my heart that I'd be the only exception to the rule - the only person who wouldn't lose her hair. Yeah, right! On day 17 (no kidding) I started to lose my hair. Every time I touched it, tons would fall out. I could run my fingers through my hair and pull out gobs. It was very traumatic. I put off shaving it until Saturday, day 18. I just couldn't stand to have it falling out any more.

My sister, Kris, and I went to buy a wig. More about the wig later. She followed me home and when we got there, it was time. Have you ever been so frightened of something that you are physically ill? I have been. I thought I would throw up. I stalled as long as I could. When I was ready (as ready as you CAN be), Kris braided a small portion of the longest hair and then that was the first chunk to be cut off. You see, I wanted to keep a small bit of my hair, because I hear that hair grows in differently after chemo. I LOVE my hair. It's thick and full and with the help of my hairdresser, Aimee, just the right color - dark brown, woven with reds. When it grows back, my hair might be really curly, or super straight, or a completely different color - like gray!!!! Anyway, so now I have proof that my hair was once beautiful.

At the first cut, I started crying. I'm such a baby! My boys were way more brave than I was. I completely fell apart. Every cut made me sob. Kris was so nice. She kept saying how beautiful I was with every cut. Rick ran his hands through my hair when it was super short (about an inch all over). It was sad looking, because it looks like someone just hacked into my hair. Then Kris told me to take a deep breath, and she turned on the razor. If you've never experienced this before, it's a very scary sound. This whole thing was supposed to be my way of being in charge of at least one part of this whole cancer thing. But I didn't feel in charge. I just wanted my hair back. Kris shaved my whole head. I'll post a picture here, but it won't show how I felt. I felt like a victim. And I was mad. Way mad. I looked like one of the people in German concentration camps. We decided not to completely BIC my head - the stubble will fall out soon enough and then I'll be completely bald.

I'm getting used to it though. My boys all said it didn't look as bad as they thought it would. The big liars! Haha! They were so sweet though. I'm glad I have all boys. If I had girls, they would have just cried right along with me. But the boys all felt my head and told me how to get rid of all the loose pieces - "Trust us, when you shave our heads, we go right in and take a shower!"

Well, that's my story moment. Can you say, Cancer SUCKS?!